{I did appericate you} And i did love u Fnal Draft

The last time I saw her I said “I love you” as I always did. But this time it felt different. This time I thought about how she lay in that hospital bed helpless, weak, and so sick. That’s the reason I hated seeing her because it hurt me. I felt ashamed to not be sick, and to be able to go and live my life while she suffered. I looked at her and saw a her laying hurting with a pale brown skin and one of those old hospital nightgowns that she was use to wearing. I saw a head that was once full of long beautiful black hair gone. It hurt me so bad to see her like that. I always came to visit with a little gift my mom packed me for her but I knew it was not enough to make her happy. I thought about how the hospital was so colorful with everything a kid could ask for. At a time I wished I could get sick just so I could use all the toys, eat all the good food, and use the computer because I didn’t have one. But this time I thought about how she had all of this stuff in the hospital where she stayed because she needed it to keep happy. But in reality nothing can make you more happy then living your life and at the time she could not. I have this image stuck in my head of her laying on the hospital bed while I held her hand and told her I loved her, then I let go. Why did I let go? Maybe if I held on a little longer she would still be here. Or maybe if we didn’t argue as much when we were younger she would still be here. But other times I realize that it isn’t my fault and I cant put the blame on myself because “everything happens for a reason?” Everything does not happen for a reason in my book. Not when it boils down to my sister losing her life to cancer. I will remember everything about that September day; It was my ninth grade year of highschool. I was brushing my teeth then proceeded to brush my hair. I looked outside and saw rain. I could automatically tell my day was gonna be gloomy. My mom came to me and stared at me. I asked my mom what was wrong with her, and she just kept staring at me and softly said “ Shawna.” I asked my mom was Shawna ok and my mom shook her head no and said, “ she’s gone.” I will never forget that day, those words, and how I felt. I felt blank; I couldn’t talk or cry. I can remember a million thoughts running through my mind asking God why he would let such a thing happen to my sister. That day at school it stayed on my mind and I just remember having a nervous breakdown that morning. Everyone asked me was alright and what happened but I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t talk for days until the funeral. I told my mom I was scared for I did not like seeing people dead. Especially my own blood. By the time we got there the casket was closed and they wouldn’t let anyone view her anymore, but I knew if my mom said something we would be able to. I my mom told her id rather not.Everyone in the church was crying but i still couldn't manage to. People got up to speak and I was touched when her school pricinple came to talk about my sister. I sat quiet with my ears open and eyes wide observing everything around me. I remember letting three pink roses fall in her casket. Although I could not see her its like i felt her presence.I looked at it as she was going to a better place. Sometimes I often think that it could have been me instead of her. We have the same blood. It feels bad to feel like you left a person on badand you know they could have been better, but the person isn’t here and you cant fix it. I want to talk to her. And ask her so much I cant even describe but I cant. When you lose a person who you took for granted, it makes you wish that some way some how you can show them how much u appreciate them and miss them. What is the reason for putting people on earth if they are just going to get their life taken away? Shawna is never going to be able to finish highschool, go to college, get a real job, have a family, nothing. All because she is not here and that is why she is 95% of my motivation to be all that i can be and persue all of my dreams. All the money and technology in this world people should not get sick. Everyone works so hard to be here and I don’t understand why we have to live like that. Then in the snap of a finger it all can go to waste because your life got taken away. Inside I live for her. I feel that everyone should appreciate their life because it could get taken any day. I value my little sister Autumn. Even though I talk about her to my friends as if she is a bad person I do love her and love having her around. Losing anybody hurts and im sure everyone can relate so if someone means something to you I feel that u should show it because you never know what may happen to them or you.