Quote of the Day for Friday, 2/29

"When talented people write well, it is generally for this reason: they're moved by a desire to touch the audience." --Robert McKee

My Freshmen Year

My Freshmen Year

I was so nervious because i didnt know what was going to happen. I was getting suspended in the first couple of months of my first year in high school I thought my parents were going to go off in the deans office when they came to the school. "Well you know Rayvon did this, and Rayvon did that," My dean said. From the look at my mom face i knew everything was going to be shutdown. No t.v., no computer, no parites, no nothiong. My mom asked a couple of questions, and the dean escorted us out his office. Looking at my freind coming down the hallway, he gave me that look like, you going to get it when u get home, and i gave that look like i know. The ride back home was weird. My mom was talking to my dad, and my parents almost always agree with each other. Im like all man!I know my dad really wasnt upset cause he was the cooler parent, but i knew my mom wanted to reach in the back of that seat and tear me apart. I got home around 1:30pm and i thought i was done for. I ran so fast upstairs to try to put some extra clothes on so the belt wouldnt hurt as bad, but she just left out and went back to work. Actually, she just said, "dont go nowhere, touch the phone, etc." I knew it wasnt the end though, i've gotten in way more trouble than this and i know a lecture wasnt the only thing thats coming with this suspension. Hours went by and all I could do is think about what is she going to do when she got home at 4:30. Sittin' in my room trying to think of some lies i could make up, so I would not have to get this beatin', but i knew i was going to get it, so i just chalked it up. So 4:30 come, and i hear them keys hit the door, and im thinking to myself like dang, what can i do. I knew if i acted liked i wasnt in the house she was going to beat for that, I really didnt want to chalk it but I had no choice. "Yea girl, guess what Rayvon did..." im like she going to the whole world i got suspended, now everytime i can go somewhere they goin' be like,"Ummmhhhh...there he go acting all innocent..."So after dinner time im still wonderin is she still going to do it, is she that mad she goin' to kill me, or is she even mad?Afterwards everybody just went to bed. I was so confused, the next morning im sleeping good because im like, no beating for me!! She comes in my room and wake me up, but she had her hands around her back. "So you like acting up in school?", she asked me, so i said no of course. Next thing i know i found out what was around her back. She had this long, thick extension cord, and she swung that cord around and, i thought i saw Jesus. She tried to hit me again, but i dipped it and ran out the room. I tried to run downstairs, but she whipped that extension cord around the banister and it hip me right in the mouth. I just kept on running til' I got outside, meanwhile its like the middle of winter and im outside wit some pajama pants on, and a t-shirt with nothing on my feet. My next door neighbor come outside, and seen what was happening, so she tried to help my mom calm down so i can get back in the house. I dont know what she said but it worked and she let me back in the house. When i got back in the house she said she was calm and put the cord down. But the catch is after all that, she still made me go to school damn near half dead, and she made sure i got there on time. As i get older, I can laugh at myself and say haw crazy it was but my mom was only doing her job, and i love her for that...

From Lawns to Projects(Narrative)

"I don't want to leave,I'll stay by myself." These were the words I yelled to my mother as she began to pack our things.I had lived with my mother,grandmother, and great-grandmother from the time I was six until I was about 12.My grandmom's house was in Wesy Philly,the type of neighborhood where everyone had their own lawns.The street was always clean and the neighborhood was filled with a mixture of nice old people and young people.I made friends with everybody on the block and my school was just up the street.I would walk home with my friends Imani,Brittany,Shanay,Tiffany,Samara,and Laila.We would laugh at things that happened at school that day and then run home drop off our bookbags and yell out calls for who was first in the rope for double-dutch.My grandmothers house was cozy.The front porch was closed in with giant sized picture frames of my aunts and uncles when they were children and of me and my cousins.The house was always filled with the smell of chicken.This being because my great grandmother was from down South and loved some fried chicken to death. So as you can see life was perfect.It was now Friday,two days before we were to move.After school I rushed home to beg my mom to reconsider.After all my birthday was in a week and I knew I might not be able to spend it with my friends,and whats worst I would have to learn how to travel on the bus now.I walked through the door and BAM!,all of our stuff was was sitting in the living room waiting to be stuffed into the UHAUL truck I just realized was sitting out front.Everyone just stood there waiting for my reaction,I just stood there bag in hand ,a feeling of disappointment in my chest,the kind you feel when you are trying to hold back tears.Then I saw her,my great-grandmother was sitting at the dining room table crying.I ran to her and asked if she was crying because we were moving.She just turned to me ,grabbed my face, kissed me on the forehead and kept crying. I suddenly started ballin. My grandmother walked up behind me,wiped my tears away and told me that it would be alright.She also told me that my great-grandmother wasn't crying because of the move but because one of her old friends had just passed away.My feelings were truly hurt,they were a cross between sad and salty.I picked up a box that said Sequoya's things and began to walk towards the door.I stopped took one look back shook my head as if to say"um,um,um" and continued through the door.As we drove we came across a bumpy bridge.On the walls were graffitti of the letters S.W.P and other crap I couldn't make out,We made a left at a huge sign with disfigured letters on it that were hard to make out.I managed to understand it though.It read"Welcome to Bartram Village"I don't know if it was the sign or the fight that just broke out across the street in front of the bar that made me realize I would not like it here.

Quote of the Day for Thursday, 2/28

Only describe what is important to the story.

"You don't need to describe the kitchen, only where the carving knife is." --Bryce Courtney

Classwork/Homework

• See yesterday's post for the peer review questions you need to respond to. Once your partner has posted his/her comments about your narrative, then you should begin making revisions.
• Final draft is due next Tuesday, March 4th. Post your final draft to the blog and include your parnter's comments at the bottom of your draft.

Truly Missed (Rough Draft)

"Are you going out tonight?" My mom asked me, while driving me home from I work." Yea, since im off tomorrow". She looked at me with her face expression which meaning she didn’t want me out the house that night. I’m hardheaded so I acted as if she wasn’t looking my way. I walked into the house showered quickly, got dressed and before I left I told my mom bye and I loved her." Oh you’re leaving?" she asked surprised and I answered "Yes" and I closed the door behind me. There were 4 of us in the car, on our way to the party we were invited to. At all the parties we went to, everyone got along and No Limit was expected to be at everyone. No limit wasn’t a gang, squad or whatever else people would want to call them. They were more like brothers that stuck together no matter what. They were always my highlight every weekend.They knew how to live life without worrying about, what others about of them. Just to see them dance, laugh and have fun made me smile. When we arrived at the party we parked up and stood in the car for a couple of minutes. While we were getting out, me and my friends watched as No Limit walked into the party before us. The party wasn't as we expected so we didn't stay long at all. We just stopped in sothey wouldn't complain that we didnt. When me and my friends left the party we made a quick stop at a friend’s house before we were on our way to another.This was a normal routine for us. Twenty minutes went by and I received a phone call which read "Home" on the screen of my phone. I answered thinking it was my mom “I’ll be home in a little bit mom" I heard silence "Hello?" my brother then started to talk. My friends saw my face expression change from smiling to disbelief "ok I'll be there now".. I could hardly blink. My friends kept on asking what was going on. But it wouldn't come out, all I can say was "Let’s go. We have to go around my house. No Limit has just got into a car accident". Two of my friends jaws dropped and the other 2 started dialing numbers " We don’t have time for that lets go!!" When we got there we didn’t think it was going to be as bad. Everything was blocked off, so we had to go around the corner, get out the car and run to the scene. When we got there people were crying and calming each other down. The police were telling everyone to leave the scene. We knew this was serious.I saw one of my friends walking up to me, covering her face. "I cant look" she sobbed. I opened my arms to give her a hug, while looking over her shoulder.I then realized there was a white sheet on the ground covering one of the bodies.The police then gave us a second warning. Everyone slowly left the scene, but since it was 2 blocks away from my house, I walked home to put my thoughts together. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t wait to sit down. I walked into the house and asked my brother how did he know all of this had happened. He saw it all. They were hit by a drunk driver. He was just waiting for the bus and he never saw anything like it. There were six of them in the car and slowly throughout that night, it ended as nightmare. 3 dead, 2 injured and 1 paralyzed. I couldn't believe it, I just wanted to wake up and it will all be over.Macho 19, Fredo 19 and Lou 17 were the ones that pasted.They didn't get to live theitr life the way I knew they wanted to.They were well known and the best people to be around, especially at a party. No limit will not be the same without them. Love the ones in your life, you never know when they can be gone. It’s been a month now and I’ve become stronger. I miss you guys.

Quote of the Day for Wednesday, 2/27

"Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude." --Henry Miller


Peer Review Questions for Personal Narrative #2 Copy and paste the following questions and your responses into the comments section at the end of your partner's story.

1. Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.
2. What is your favorite line from the story? Why?
3. Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details.
4. What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?
5. Does the ending wrap up the story?
6. What is clever and/or lively about the ending?

The Dilemma Between My Boyfriend And My Boo{fINal DrAFt}

"Let me know now and do not lie! Do you mess with her yes or no?” This is how it all started, my dilemma between my boyfriend and my boo. Did you ever think someone you were dealing with was cheating so you went on and did you? Well I have. It was this past summer and me and my boyfriend were doing as good as any couple should be. We snuck every chance we could get to see each other and sneaking was my thing because I always loved the excitement. I had just started my job at Target and I was glad to even be working he would come up there every once in a while to come see and check up on me just to make sure I was doing the right thing. Well as the summer went on and I went out with my girls to have fun there were things that I began to hear concerning my boyfriend. This one little girl always had my boyfriend name in her mouth Troy, Troy, Troy. To tell you the truth the only thing that saved her was her sister because we were cool but no crust bucket, unfortunate , goldigging, young skeezer is going to keep saying that she mess with my man with a name like Champaine. I got sick of hearing about it so I confronted troy about it and of course like any other boy he denied it. I asked him several times about this situation but all he said was she is a little girl , she has nothing on you so stop stressing yourself out, me being dumb I believed him and time went on. Work was doing good and that was the only time I had to think. At my job was this boy named Anthony and he was always on my top but I never gave him the time of the day but one day I decided to call him he was real cool on the phone and we chilled often and he became my boo. Troy wasn’t even an issue because I was doing me and I could care less on what he was doing. One day Anthony said to me that he wasn’t going to let me have my cake and eat it too forever and that made me think who do I really want to be with. After that not only did me and Anthony have conflict in our relationship me and Troy were too because I wasn’t paying his ass any mind so he knew something was going on. Me and Anthony got better overtime and I found a way to even out Troy and Anthony. But one day I decided to go on my space just to browse the net and of course I went on the jawn Champaine page and she had shit on there about my boyfriend I aint sweat it because I was doin me but at the same time it hurted. The stuff she had up there didn’t exactly say stuff about him but I knew that he was who she was talking about. Once again I confronted him and he denied it again but now I cannot deal with the deceitful lies so now I figured that it was time to leave this grown man alone. I told him that i couldnt deal with all the lies he was telling and if he would just be real about the situation everything would be so much better. He swore up and down about everything but I knew better to believe him and despite all that everyone else was saying "girl forget her she dont have nothin on you " but what they failed to realize was that my feelings were being hurt. Anthony was getiing tired of being on the side and i felt bad because he made me feel good when i was talking to him or around him so i started to ask myself how could i waste this and then be mad if i make the wrong decision. Finally when i got the guts and Troy started to get on my nerves more I broke it off with him. of course anthony didnt believe me because troy still was calling but hey what can i say he missed me and you could never realize how much something meant to you until its gone and im so over him.

{I did appericate you} And i did love u Fnal Draft

The last time I saw her I said “I love you” as I always did. But this time it felt different. This time I thought about how she lay in that hospital bed helpless, weak, and so sick. That’s the reason I hated seeing her because it hurt me. I felt ashamed to not be sick, and to be able to go and live my life while she suffered. I looked at her and saw a her laying hurting with a pale brown skin and one of those old hospital nightgowns that she was use to wearing. I saw a head that was once full of long beautiful black hair gone. It hurt me so bad to see her like that. I always came to visit with a little gift my mom packed me for her but I knew it was not enough to make her happy. I thought about how the hospital was so colorful with everything a kid could ask for. At a time I wished I could get sick just so I could use all the toys, eat all the good food, and use the computer because I didn’t have one. But this time I thought about how she had all of this stuff in the hospital where she stayed because she needed it to keep happy. But in reality nothing can make you more happy then living your life and at the time she could not. I have this image stuck in my head of her laying on the hospital bed while I held her hand and told her I loved her, then I let go. Why did I let go? Maybe if I held on a little longer she would still be here. Or maybe if we didn’t argue as much when we were younger she would still be here. But other times I realize that it isn’t my fault and I cant put the blame on myself because “everything happens for a reason?” Everything does not happen for a reason in my book. Not when it boils down to my sister losing her life to cancer. I will remember everything about that September day; It was my ninth grade year of highschool. I was brushing my teeth then proceeded to brush my hair. I looked outside and saw rain. I could automatically tell my day was gonna be gloomy. My mom came to me and stared at me. I asked my mom what was wrong with her, and she just kept staring at me and softly said “ Shawna.” I asked my mom was Shawna ok and my mom shook her head no and said, “ she’s gone.” I will never forget that day, those words, and how I felt. I felt blank; I couldn’t talk or cry. I can remember a million thoughts running through my mind asking God why he would let such a thing happen to my sister. That day at school it stayed on my mind and I just remember having a nervous breakdown that morning. Everyone asked me was alright and what happened but I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t talk for days until the funeral. I told my mom I was scared for I did not like seeing people dead. Especially my own blood. By the time we got there the casket was closed and they wouldn’t let anyone view her anymore, but I knew if my mom said something we would be able to. I my mom told her id rather not.Everyone in the church was crying but i still couldn't manage to. People got up to speak and I was touched when her school pricinple came to talk about my sister. I sat quiet with my ears open and eyes wide observing everything around me. I remember letting three pink roses fall in her casket. Although I could not see her its like i felt her presence.I looked at it as she was going to a better place. Sometimes I often think that it could have been me instead of her. We have the same blood. It feels bad to feel like you left a person on badand you know they could have been better, but the person isn’t here and you cant fix it. I want to talk to her. And ask her so much I cant even describe but I cant. When you lose a person who you took for granted, it makes you wish that some way some how you can show them how much u appreciate them and miss them. What is the reason for putting people on earth if they are just going to get their life taken away? Shawna is never going to be able to finish highschool, go to college, get a real job, have a family, nothing. All because she is not here and that is why she is 95% of my motivation to be all that i can be and persue all of my dreams. All the money and technology in this world people should not get sick. Everyone works so hard to be here and I don’t understand why we have to live like that. Then in the snap of a finger it all can go to waste because your life got taken away. Inside I live for her. I feel that everyone should appreciate their life because it could get taken any day. I value my little sister Autumn. Even though I talk about her to my friends as if she is a bad person I do love her and love having her around. Losing anybody hurts and im sure everyone can relate so if someone means something to you I feel that u should show it because you never know what may happen to them or you.

Made It Through (FINAL DRAFT)

I never thought another male could make me feel loved without subjecting me to the abuse that I was used to. I was a sophomore and it was my first year in Penn Wood High School. I remember being very excited as to how different and better high school would be, compared to junior high. I wore my best, new set that I had just bought. I had on a pink shirt, tight jeans, and I showed off my new hairstyle. My class just got assigned new seats in 6th period, Algebra II class. I sat right in front of the boy that changed my life forever. His name was Vanair. I remember he wore a burgundy Aeropostale hoodie with Tims. His clothing style made me like him even more. At the time, I was only 15 years old and he just turned 17. I noticed him the moment I walked towards my new seat. He was tall, his skin color slightly lighter than mine, and he was always smiling. I sat right beside the window so I remember the weather being very warm. I love warm weather so I knew that something good would happen to me that day.

We sat very close to each other so it took only a few days for us to make conversation. "What's ya name?" He asked my shyly. "Nageena." I replied, trying to hide my interest. "That's different but I like it." He smiled and I instantly fell for it like a mouse on a cheesetrap. The next time we talked, he asked a little more about my life and I told him, without hesitation. For some reason, I felt like I could tell him anything. I could trust him. He seemed entirely different from other boys. He was like a diamond in the ruff that I had discovered without searching for. Imagine meeting a person that seems so different than everyone in the world, but in a good way. So a few months passed by as we learned more and more about each other. The whole school year went by before I took him seriously about being my boyfriend. Before I got to know him, I thought he was like every other boy and he just wanted to get the "fresh meat." But I realized he was a great person. I'm glad that I finally did.

The amazing part of all of this is how Vanair and I struggled to be together. People tried to break us up over all sorts of things ranging from jealousy all the way to physical abuse. The most drastic thing is how Vanair stuck with me through my physical, mental, and emotional abusive relationship with a male in my family. Being only 15 years old, I had to endure this and he chose to help me get through it instead of moving onto another girl. Not once did he leave my side. We've been through everything together and the drama only increased our feelings for one another. His family is my family too. They also helped me get out of my abusive relationship. But being my boyfriend, Vanair endured the most pain. There was a time when him and I were separated for almost a year because of the drama with other people, but we made it through. I would always call Vanair crying about the abuse that I was going through. By the time we would hang up, I always felt better. He would always let me know that the abuse would not last forever and that I would find my happiness some day. Also, he felt terrible that he couldn't take me away from the pain I wa going through within my family. Could you imagine falling in love with someone special then getting separated because of jealousy?


We've lost friends, family, and shed tears to be and stay together. I never thought that a male could make me feel so loved without subjecting me to the abuse that I was used to. So this relationship is definitely not ordinary, but stronger than most. 15 years old is when I met the man who changed my life forever. Every now and then, Vanair and I look back in our past and feel relieved that we conquered our battles -together-. Now, 3 years later, our story has a happy ending to the drama and a beginning to spending the rest of our life together.

So-Called DAD

I always wondered what it felt like to be a daddy's girl. I never experienced such a feeling. My mother played both roles. Don't get me wrong, I have a father. I know him and have talked to him plenty of times. He's what you call a "dead-beat" dad. My dads name is Melvin Downs. I never really liked him. Since I could remember, he never did anything for me or y brothers. No shopping, no games, no food shopping. no money, no nothing. When I was younger, I probably saw my dad every once in a while. He would take me out sometimes. He always rolled up to my house in one of his nice ass cars while we had to catch SEPTA. All that stopped abruptly. My father paid more attention to his other families then he did with us. No school functions, graduations, meetings, nothing. He has this wife named Dawn, with whom he cheated on my mom with. Then he has his mistress, Jessica; a puerto rican chick he's been messing with since he was with my mom back then. Present day, he has two babies with Dawn; my little brother Jared and my little sister Joelle. Jessica has a daughter named Chelsea who everyone thinks is my dads. Anyway, Melvin spends all his time with his two other families while his first family carries on their lives without him. Personally, I never needed a father in the first place because he can't teach me anything I don't already know. I can get the male perspective of life from other people. If it wasn't for Melvin, I probably wouldn't be the way I am now. Independent, motivated, and not letting anything get in my way. Especially no man. Thank you Mel for not being there.

BESTFRIEND IS WHAT I CALLED HER!! (FINAL DRAFT)

Malika couldn't even look at me in my face. Words can't describe the way I felt. My warm blood got cold. You would have thought I was in Antarctica. Malika keep saying sorry. But I couldn't pay here any mind. I just keep getting flashbacks of what just took place. Malika had this look of terror in her face. She just knew she was wrong for what she did. She was supposed to be going to the mall with Tyrone to get my birthday present. Yeah right, at least that is what I thought. This was supposed to be the best weekend ever. Carmen and me were at the mall, because I was getting my outfit for my party that weekend. Carmen and me just left H&M. We were on are way into the shoe store. I had my hand in my bag reaching for my phone. Right when I started to call Tyrone, Carmen tapped me on my shoulder. She said Net what color shirt did Tyrone have on today? I said black with a confuse look on my face.
That's when she said aint that him over there kissing Malika. As I turned my head, my phone fall and broke in half. There was Tyrone and Malika kissing. I couldn't control myself. I ran towards them and punched Malika so hard in her face, her head hit the wall. As soon as Tyrone seen Carmen coming, he skated. Malika, how can you do this to me I asked with a heart full of anger. Malika eyes were full with water as she said sorry. I replied and said, “No you aint sorry, you dirty, grimmey bird. I should've known that you wanted him. You always try so hard to be me.” I just wanted to stump her to death . Carmen kept telling me to calm down. But everything she said, was going in one ear and out the other. A security guard came over and asked if everything was ok. I told the officer that I was just leaving. As I walked away I just gave her a hard stare. If looks can kill she would had been six feet under. On my ride home I started crying. I felt so betrayed. My sister told me that there was nothing to worry about. She said you know what they say, what goes around comes around. I said you right as I wiped my tears. Malika was going to feel this pain twice as worse!!

Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.
Combine the first two sentences with more detail to pull you in to the story.

What is your favorite line from the story? Why?"what goes around comes around" because it is very true and I can relate to how she felt and why she said that.

Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details.
"I turned my head, my phone fell and broke in half."

What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?
The part that describes how you felt towards Malika at that time, how mad you were inside.

Does the ending wrap up the story?
Yes, it explains true feelings toward Malika and how Malika made her feel.

What is clever and/or lively about the ending? She expresses how she got over that feeling of anger towards Malika.

What She Did For Me.( Final Draft)

It was Monday, July 9,2001 and I was awakened by the sound of my cousins quivering voice. "Wake up, I have to tell you something" is what she said to us as my cousin and I struggled to wake up on this early Monday morning. We had no idea what she was about to tell us....... " Don't ever give up, always believe in yourself , and always be confident". My aunt often spoke these words to me and is the motto by which she lived. She was the one in my family who gave me and my cousins lectures and taught us the rights and wrongs of everyday life. She taught us how to behave in school and prepared us for what we would one day face as we continued to grow. Every year during the holidays, my cousins and I would go to her house and she would sit us down and have face to face conversations with us. If one of us messed up in school, she would remind us of the importance of education, if we got in trouble with our parents, she would teach us the meaning of respecting our elders, or if she just felt like giving us advice, she would remind us of how she would always be there. My cousins and I often complained when she gave us lectures and before she even opened her mouth, we knew what was about to happened. We knew that it was time to stop whatever we were doing and listen to what she had to say because somehow, someway, her advice would help us along the way. She was very much a believer in being confident and she made sure to instill this value in me at a very young age. When I was in the 5th grade, I was chosen to recite a speech for my eighth grade graduation. At practice, mt teacher told us that there was an essay writing contest open to anyone who wanted to participate and that the best essay would be selected. I hadn't planned on participating but I went home and told my aunt about it anyway. She forced me to write an essay and mine was chosen as one of the best. Lucky for me, I had to say the speech in front of my entire graduating class, parents, and teachers. I was so nervous because I never had to do anything like this before. She told me not to worry and said that I could do it. The day was finally here and I was ready to make my speech and get it over with. My aunt got sick on that day so she couldn't make it. However, I knew what I had to do regardless of who was in the audience. I looked around and saw all eyes on me. To my surprise, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. "Good morning teachers,parents,faculty,and fellow students" were the first words that came out of my mouth and from that moment on, I knew that everything would be okay. I received a standing ovation and gained the confidence that I will take with me for the rest of my life. She knew how afraid I was but she used that as further motivation to push me even harder. I may not have understood what she was trying to teach me when I was younger, but now I realize just how much I needed to hear what she was saying. Now that I'm older, I can appreciate all that she has showed me and as I continue to grow, I will do my best to live my life the way she taught me....... Once me and my cousin finally got ourselves together, my other cousin moved closer to us and told us that my aunt had passed away. After she told me, I didn't cry. In fact, I really didn't know how to react. It took me a while but once I finally accepted the fact that she was gone, I was able to be strong because I remembered all that she had told me and when I think about her now, I don't get sad, and I don't become angry. Instead, I remember , appreciate,and realize just how much of an impact she had and will always have on me. I am the person I am today partially because of what she has taught me and is someone that I will remember for as long as I live. I am gratefeul for what she did for me.

1.The first sentence made me question or be interested by where the story was going because of her cousins quivering voice.

2. Don't ever give up, always believe in yourself, and always be confident". My aunt often spoke these words to me and is the motto by which she lived. This was my favorite line because this line proved that not only did this woman have an impact on Courtney but a positive one.

3. She was very much a believer in being confident and she made sure to instill that value in me at a very young age.

4. The part that could have a little more detail was her actual speech and the feelings she had while presenting the speech.

5. Yes, I feel she had a very good ending. The way she told what her aunt provided to her as a child with her lectures and then wrapped up her story with the day she found out about her death was very good.

6. What was clever about the ending was how she went back to the beginning which was the day she found out about the death of her aunt.

UUUHH OOO THERE SHE GO..

"Bonatea Elizabeth Womack, you betta be off that couch when I come back" my mom said shouting at me. "You need to go out it's a beautiful day".I can remember how it all started. It was a hot day in Philadelphia, and I didn't feel like doing anything. No chores, didn't wanna go to the mall, call my friends, or even open the front door for my mom, as I heard her scrambling looking for her keys. The only thing I wanted to do was wash my hair, and get it straighten. "Why are you still here, she said coming in the door,I thought you was going to get your hair done"."I am I was just waiting for you to come back wit the money." I said looking real dumb because before she left she gave me the money."She raised her left eye brow up in the air as if she was "The Rock "" Bonatea if you don't get ya butt up off that couch you just betta, you been in that same postion since I, left I'm surprisied you got dress."she said sweating bullets. "I wasn't sitt'n in the same postion either, cause when you saw me the remote was in my left hand now it's in my right" I said as I was getting up off the couch. I was wearing a white -T and some blue denim carpi's with the Adidas's flip-flops with my hair out. If you ask me it looked like I was going to make a"Crank Dat" video. I went next door to my neighbor's house and let her wash, blow-dry, and straighten my hair. She was finish and I paid her. Then I got a text message from my friends asking me if I wanted to hang out because they were right out front. I didn't mind but anything that had to do wit the outdoors I didn't wanna do.I left my neighbor's house, but as soon as I step foot outside, it was like a heat wave had struck me hard in the face. I was so glad that my friends were right there in the jeep with the air conditioner on full blast. I got in the jeep and from my view it look like we were going to the playground. Everyone got out expect for me. "Tia come on you drawl'n" He said to me, with a chuckle. "Umm sweetheart do you know how hot it is out there and besides I just got my hair done and my mom would kill me if I mess it up."What I just said didn't mean anything to him.He took the keys out the ignition and shut the door. I was heated, so I got out the car and slam it back. I was hoping that I slam it so hard the windows would break. "STUPID!"The playground was filled with people. Music blasting, everyone waiting for a pick up game on basketball on the ball courts, girls playing jump-rope, little kids playing tag your it, I'm smelling Bar-B-Q. What it wrong with these people it's to hot for all this. I wouldn't be surprised if someone started fighting. SHOOT! I entered the gates of the ball courts and sat down. "A yo Tia we got next ight" What? I said with a attitude."Next to get a plate cuz umm sweetheart I not playing ball wit ya'll". "Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaassseeee". "I don't have any ball sneaks Nez" I said signing " I got some in the back of the jeep I'll go get em". O my goodnese okay I'll play. He went and got them. I said to myself "I could have stayed home and watched a full hour of Tom and Jerry not playing basketball all hot sweating rain drops NOOOO". He got the sneaks and I put em on. They wear a fresh new pair of Jordans, a size 7 1/2 in boys.Perfect fit! I hope he don't think he's get em back. We got on the ball corts and check rock. I didn't feel like playing until this boy tried to play me and say girls can't play ball and that he was gonna crack me . Not I said the cat. It was on. I got the ball and was like.M.J. I was throughing oops, crossing over people and to top it all off the DJ was playing my song. I dancing on the court got the crowd hype, but one thing I forgot was my hair. I was sweating so bad that my hair started to look as though I never got it done.My smile slowly turned into a frown. "My mom gonna be so piss"! I thought

Her Out of All People?

“This is indeed the remains of Deanna Wright Macintosh”, said the lady on the six o’clock news. She was dead. After a whole month of searching for her, she was dead. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. When I heard the devastating news, my jaw dropped. How could anyone kill her? She was only fifteen years old. She was young, talented, and beautiful. I remember admiring the way she dressed. She would always have the nicest outfit on and she was so coordinated. She had brown medium length hair that always looked so nice. She would come to church every Sunday and on Tuesdays for bible study. She sang on the church choir also. She had such an angelic voice. She always seemed so happy. How could anyone take her life away from her? I couldn’t sleep for nights. I was constantly thinking about what happened to her. I thought about how he raped and strangled her to death. He didn’t stop there. After he killed her, he chopped her body up as if she was a piece of food and put half of it in a big silver tin can and fed the other half to the dogs. I couldn’t get this horrible image out of my head for days. After this incident I didn’t trust anyone. She knew her killer; he worked with her at a pizza store. This made me realize that no one could be trusted. I began to distance myself from the men in my life. I was scared to travel alone. I was amazed at how strong her mother was. She told me that everything would be okay. I didn’t know how to communicate with her mom because I didn’t want to say anything to make her cry. It was December 31, 2004 when I found out. It turns out that the police found her in an old beat up house that looked like it was about to fall to the ground. The house was only seven blocks away from my house. At the funeral we couldn’t view the body because it wasn’t there. Instead the casket was filled with the little bit of bones that was left of her. The church, where the funeral was held, was over crowded. People were outside listening in. As tears rolled down my cheeks like a waterfall, I thought that that could’ve been me. When I got home I looked at the obituary, and read about her accomplishments. She accomplished so much in her short-lived life. She won beauty pageants, was on honor roll, was an aspiring model, and dancer. This made me realize that I need to do more with my life. After seeing all of those people at her funeral, it made me think about how my funeral would be. She had an impact on so many lives, and that’s how I want to be. That night, before I went to bed, I went in my mom’s room and gave her a big hug. I told her that I loved her and I don’t ever want to leave her. But if I were to die today, I want to leave my mark on this earth just like Deanna did.

Syree Pen

BANG!! Glass shatters and a loud ringing hit my ear. Immediately my taffy dropped straight to the floor of the car. I was pulled out of the back seat and carried out by my aunt while being shielded from life taking bullets. I was about 4 or 5 when my uncle passed, and even now that I am 17, I still don’t understand why my uncle died the way he did. Even though I was pretty young and the incident happened pretty fast, I still remember every detail like it was yesterday. That morning I was so excited to go to my uncle’s house so that he can watch me while my parents go to court for my sister’s hearing. Me and my uncle were like the best of friends. He taught me everything that I carry with me today. When I got dropped off I had seen my uncle and my two older cousins standing outside arguing with 4 other men. When my uncle seen me, he walked up to me and picked me up and took me in the house. I guess the argument was over. The whole day me, my cousins, and my uncle sat and watched TV. It might seem boring but just chilling with my uncle was cool enough. While I was eating a chocolate sundae covered with sprinkles, hot fudge and top off with whip cream that my uncle made for me, an enormous pit bull came from the basement. I started to cry when it walked towards me. My uncle gave me a slight slap to the back of my head and told me stop crying. He told me never to fear anyone or anything. The hot summer day went by pretty fast and it was time for me to go home. I wished I could have stayed over. My uncle got me ready and put me in the back seat of his all black 96 Buick Regal. He gave me cherry flavored taffy so I can get my mind off leaving. He got in the car and started the engine. He turned around and said to me “You all set young boul?” I just looked at him and shook my head yea. He was about to put the car into drive when another all black car pulled up and let off uncountable shots into the driver seat where my uncle was sitting in. The car screeched off while my cousins ran out of the house busting out shots from their shiny toys that I thought was water guns. All I heard was screams and yelling. The ambulance came racing down the block15 minutes later. By the time the paramedics stepped out I knew my uncle was gone. My uncle died that afternoon after 10 bullets struck the side of his body, 6 of those bullets went to his head. My uncle was one of the realest and most down to earth person I knew. The 4 men responsible were put into prison all except two which was found murdered on the floor of their basement. There really isn’t a day that I don’t wish my uncle was here to see me in my senior year but I know he’s up there somewhere. I will never forget the goods time we shared and cant wait until the time I am reunited with my uncle.

Mr. Right {Final Draft}

I finally found everything im looking for. Thoughout my seventeen year of life I have never had a relationship that last longer than 3 months. As soon as things started to get serious I would pull back. Probably because I was scared of getting hurt. I use to make up crazy excuses like, his jokes were getting corny or even those sneakers were dicked that her wore to the movies. I dont really know why but being in a long term relationship seemed impossible for me. As I think of my past relationship I have no regrets. I just feel like those gentlemen wasnt what He had plannned for me. Now that I'm older , almost 18 years old He has placed Mr.Right right in front of me. His name in Dominic Lamar Roper and we been together for 7 months now. Could you imagine coming across a male 5'8 chocolate and a nice body? He is everything I've ever wanted in the opposite sex. We may argue about things but we always end it with a nice cup of I LOVE YOU and that makes everything better. We also call each other names and do crazy things to each other. For instance, when he has the remote control he likes to watch basketball all the time, I dont. So when he gets up to go to the bathroom or downstairs for something I take the remote. First I turn the televison to something I want to watch, then I hide the remote control. We he comes back he starts looking for the remote and I start to laugh giving him the idea that I did something with. He ask me where is the remote and I always reply with a smile," Where you left it". He goes to look again and I laugh even harder then he gets mad. He starts to do crazy things like pinch my arm or legs , or even twist my arm so I can give up and tell him. He always win but I do it every time. We actually have fun together and I enjoy that. He might sometimes tell corny jokes but I dont mine. On thing though, his sneakers are never dicked and Im glad for that. I find myself putting alot of time and effort into this relationship because this is really waht I want. My oldest sister Jasmine who thinks so knows and been though it all always tell me to be careful because men come and go. I hear what she says but this one I want to make sure he stays. I might sound sprung to yall but "Child I'm just in love with a man".



The first sentence doesnt really grab my attention.I think you should start the story off with how u met your bf.

*my favorate line is where you talk about his sneakers not bein dicked.

*the quote that is most vivid i would say is where your explaining about when you take the remote from him.

*I think the whole story could be improved. I feel like im reading a diary page and not a story. I think that you should tell how u met your boyfriend and give detail about when, where, and how u felt. I think you should tell how he is different from past boyfriends.I feel thats its not a story about anything.

*the closing is good but you juss need to make this a story with dialouge and more sensory details. (how he smells, how he looked when you first met him,a day he made you feel specail.)

*Whats clever about the ending is how you listen to your sister but your still gonna listen to yourself first.In the last sentence who are you quoting?

MW3N LUB 0U APRiL [FiNiZZL3 DRAFTiZZL3]

As I held his head in my lap, I looked around me. My jeans, t-shirt, and hands were drenched in a dark red liquid. I don’t think I was painting that day. So many people were surrounding us but in my mind I was all alone; just me and my best friend lying on the floor taking a quick nap. I wish he would hurry up a wake up I thought. My leg was beginning to fall asleep from his big head. “Pi bon zanmi paske vi!” every time he told me we would be best friends for life, I assumed he meant forever.

I reminisce to the days we would sit on the steps and talk about everything. Two peach sodas sitting between us with him taking sips of mine when he thought I wasn’t looking. I would look into his rainy day gray eyes and know I was always going to be safe with him. He was so light skinned I would use him as if he was a sheet of loose leafed paper drawing funny characters on him while he slept. His hair was longer than most children’s high water pants and O how much I dreaded the buckles my fingers received after I braided it. As much as I see him in my mind, I also see that day playing over and over like a movie with no stop button.

“Babygurl go get some peach sodas, I gotta have a talk with you.” “What did I do now? What do we have to talk about?” “Just go and I’ll see you when I get back.” I already knew what it was. My best friend previously saw me talking to a boy I liked so I knew what the conversation, well lecture, would be about. Midway to the Papi store to get our peach sodas, I heard a loud pop and then I heard nothing. I turned around to see what was going on and I saw my best friend with red paint attacking his shirt like an infectious disease. I laughed and thought “Here we go with the paint ball fight again.” He began yelling at me unaware of my temporary being deaf. I ran and hid behind a car because I thought the paint ball thugs were coming for me next in my all white attire. It seemed like forever waiting for my best friend to come and hide with me like we usually did. I went out to find him and he was still in the same spot, only now he was lying down.

I got my sound back and heard many people screaming. When I reached him, my best friend was repeating over and over “Mwen lub ou April.” I told him, “I love you too; now get up so I can braid your hair while we talk.”; “Ok you’re sleepy? You can lie on my lap and take a quick nap.” I layed down with him, not caring about the oil stain on my cheek, and not caring about the stray cat jumping over me to avoid a car. As I looked around us, I noticed so many people in our face with sorrow in there eyes. I thought, he’s only taking a nap damn it’s not that deep. All of a sudden every one disappeared. It was just me and my best friend, lying in the hot street, making snow angels in the thick, gooey red paint and oil mixture. Just me and my best friend until some one touched him and tried to pry him away from me. I had to protect him while he was sleep, I tried my best to protect him and keep him warm. “Where are ya’ll taking him?” I asked. “Leave him alone, he’s just taking a nap!” They took my best friend away from me and I sat in his blood, with my now red pants and t-shirt, until my parents took me home. I will forever remember my best friend. I cry sometimes not because I miss him, but because I know he is always on the back of my neck, walking on the back of me heels pushing me forward, saying “Mwen lub ou April.” I always reply back with a smile, “I love you too!!”





Where did I go wrong? I tried my best to make everything right and it seems like the more I try the more it goes the opposite. I look at my children and ask myself was it even worth it to send Him down to try and fix thing…

“I’m keeping my baby mom so you can stop talking now!” Kisha yelled to her mom. “Kisha you are only 13 years old. When did you start having sex?” As I looked down, my heart began to ache. Kisha was supposed to be my prized creation. She was going to find the cure for AIDS but instead she let the streets and her 40 year old lover deter her from my plans.

All of my plans were going down the drain and I had very little hope left…

“Puff puff give man!” that was the only thing on Karim’s mind. Karim was 21 years old and had been in and out of the prison system since the age of 10. Karim was the only creation I made where I implanted a way for peace in his brain. He was the only person I was counting on to get my world back in order. Instead the more weed he smoked the less he remembered what I put in his head.

I sit day and night and wonder if I could really see what will happen before it does. If I can, why do I waste my time and heart on them?...

“Mommy will be right back; don’t answer the door for anyone.” Karma said to her children ranging from the ages of 2 to 7. The eldest Nassir already knew his mother was not coming back home for days. It was the first of the month and that meant “crack binge”. How could she let the three children who would grow up and eliminate world hunger starve because something more powerful than I was calling her.

How could I go so wrong when I was supposed to be so great…?

“Forget that ish man, he shouldn’t have disrespected me.” Kahlil screamed as he checked the clip of his .38. “Whatever you decide, you know I’m riding.” Stated Keith, 9 tucked in his pants. How could the two boys with the ability to make currency available for everyone, have the heart to kill another? I could only look in horror as the bullets ripped through his flesh sending his soul instantly to me.

I couldn’t believe these things people called tears were streaming down my eyes. How could Me, the most powerful, fail? I tried and tried but it seems like He is beating me after all I have fought for…

“This young lady was arrested today on multiple offenses; she was caught stealing out of a grocery store and was later in multiple other robberies. When we searched her, she had notebooks filled with strange scientific or mathematical notes; I believe they are the works of a terrorist.” The prejudice officer proudly proclaimed to the judge.

“Young lady do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“Well your honor, I do. I was caught stealing because many of the children in my community are dying from the many epidemics we face. I just wanted to help. As for the notebooks the jackass over there is talking about, in my 1st notebook, I have been studying the works of many scientists who have failed many times trying to find a cure for AIDS and I think I found where they went wrong. In my 2nd, it contains many of my thoughts on how peace could be obtained in the world and I think it will actually be a success. In my last notebook, I would sit up and witness all of the children who depended on me live their lives with nothing. They are born into hunger and poverty. As my anger turned into ideas, I came up with multiple tactics to help them and the world I live in. In that book, it contains ways to eliminate hunger and to keep currency of all kinds reaching everyone”…

As I looked down and witnessed this girl, that I could not recall creating, do all my work for me without an ounce of my help My joy could not be contained.

Ashley was her name and everything in her stolen notebooks came true. She fixed my world and helped me gain control. I thank her everyday I see her walk past me and she simply smiles and walks away

Quote of the Day for Tuesday, 2.26.08

"The trouble is that when you're just beginning to write, you may believe that words committed to paper are sacred, fixed, immutable. But you're not dealing with a finished, printed, copyrighted book, only with an idea, a pile of words that change shape many times before they take shape as a book." --Dorothy Bryant

Take 10 minutes to write in your journal about any topic you'd like. Write for 10 minutes; don't stop to edit yourself.
Possible topic if you're stuck: Make up a character who will star in your first fiction story.

Homework
A draft of your 2nd personal narrative needs to be posted to the blog by the beginning of class tomorrow. If you do not have access to a computer and/or the internet, I will be here today after school until 4:30pm.

Trying new openings

In your journal, write two new openings for the story you wrote for today (or three if you're not satisfied with the one you already wrote).

One hint is that you don't always have to start at the beginning. Play with the chronological organization of your story.

Avoid the ordinary.

Remember to grab the reader's attention and give some idea of what your narrative is about.

Don't give too much information away too early. Create some suspense.

When possible, show don't tell.

Quote of the Day for Monday, 2/25/08

"Write several short openings to the same story... Don't consciously judge these openings. Instead, keep producing variations... Once you've done this a few times, you'll become quite adept at producing these by merely moving through the possibilities. And, inevitably, one of the variations will click in your mind, and you'll feel a sense of rightness and eagerness-- 'Yes this is it.' That is one of the major pleasures in writing fiction." --Nancy Kress

Phone Call

It was another one of those nights where I kept myself locked up in my room, away from the rest of the world. I was around twelve at the time, too young to understand death, but old enough to feel despair. My uncle was drunk, and I had no intention of going anywhere near him. This was happening a lot, so I was used to it. All I had to do was just make it through another night of screaming gibberish that even the neighbors weren’t too happy about. I would turn the TV on as loud as possible or play some music; sleeping wasn’t an option. At around 9 or so I heard the phone ring. My uncle didn’t answer it, because he was in no condition to hold a conversation. I didn’t answer it because if it was for him, what would I say? My uncle stood by the answering machine and listened; while I hid in the other room listening as well. I heard a familiar voice in complete panic. “Something’s wrong! She’s not moving. I don’t know what to do!” It was my stepfather. It was almost hard to believe it was him, having never heard him sound like this before. I was confused. My hands started shaking uncontrollably. Not because I was nervous, but because I didn’t know what to think. “Did something bad happen? Am I even awake, or is this a dream? Why is this happening now?” I left the room and acted like nothing happened; as if I never heard the call. I went to sleep that night totally in disbelief. I continued my thoughts and questions. “It never happened on TV like this, so it couldn’t be what I think it is. Everything was fine the last time we met. Do I even remember the last thing I said?” Somehow I managed to sleep that night. The next morning, I didn’t want to get out of bed, not because I was tired but because I didn’t want to know. “Maybe I was just overreacting”, I thought. When I went downstairs and into the kitchen the blank atmosphere struck my body automatically. I didn’t move. My uncle looked at me. “Your mom passed away last night,” he said.