FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN COULDN'T GET NO BETTER!

“Oh my God who did that to you, came here Jeannette.” My mom pulled me towards her. She grabbed my head and leaned it down. I was confused because I didn’t know what she was talking about. I had pink bubble gum stuck in one of my braids. I just couldn’t believe it. The day was so perfect. The sun was shinny. The temperature was just right. It wasn’t too hot or too cold. I had on my brand new outfit. I had on some black, white, and blue Reeboks, with some loose blue jeans, and a black fitted shirt. My mom just put my hair in six braids that same morning. I had my brand new pink Barbie book bag, with my new crayons, notebooks, and pencils. It was about 8:15 when my mom and me left the house. When I arrived at school, my mom gave me a tight hug. She said she would come and get me later on. I made her pinky swear me and then she left. When I reached the front door of the classroom I was a bit shy. I didn’t know what to expect. At the door, there stood a brown skin, chubby lady. Her hair was a little down her back. She had a nice little spring dress on, with some open toe sandals. She looked my way and said hi I’m your new teacher. She said my name is Mrs. Smith. That when we both entered the room. The room was colorful. It had a bunch of numbers and letters all around it. I had a section full with toys and books. She sat me down at a table with my name on it. After about twenty minutes the classroom was full with children. At my table the were three girls and one boy including me. When I greeted everyone at the table there was girl who didn’t speak. Her name was Alicia. Alicia was short and light skin. Her hair was about shoulder length. She had on a white shirt, with the matching sneakers. I guess she was having a bad that morning. I just turned my face and acted like nothing happen. The day was going by so well. So far we colored, and draw pictures of our family. We had go into a circle and told everyone in the room our names and age. Then we went t lunch for about an hour and then we came back to the classroom. This was the best time of the day, free time. I was at the corner playing with the blocks. Then that is when Alicia came over. She tried to take the block out of my hand. That’s when we started fussing back and forth for it. I let it go and Alicia fall back. She got up and it me on my hand. That’s when we started fighting. We hit each other a couple times and that’s when our teacher broke it up. Alicia got a good hit off me, right in the back of my head. I guess that’s when she snuck that piece of bubble gum in my braid. I just couldn’t believe that she would do something like that. It was the first day of kindergarten and I already I was fighting. My mom took me in her room while she tried to take the gum out my hair. When my mom cut my hair, all I could think about was that freaking Alicia. I just was going to get her back.


1. This opening does interest me because it pulls me into thinking as to how and why she got bubblegum in her hair.
2. I think the narrative will be about a situation that resulted in her getting bubblegum in her hair somehow.
3. It was her first day of school. She somehow got bubblegum in her hair when she came home from school after the first day.
4. Things I liked best were the descriptions of the day and the physical traits of all the characters were described.
5. Things I would like to know more about is what happened after that day when her mom got the bubblegum out of her hair.

RE: FINAL DRAFT OF PERSONAL NARRATIVE

The final draft of your personal narrative is due (posted to the blog) by the beginning of class on Tuesday. Please be sure to indicate in the Title Bar that it is your "Final Draft". Also, please copy and paste your partner's peer review at the bottom of your final draft.

Anyone who has not yet posted a first draft or commented on your partner's draft is egregiously late, and your grade will reflect your snail-like pace. You must post immediately and on your own time. I don't want to hear why it can't happen. Make it happen!

Leo

Quote of the Day for Thursday, 2/14/08

Happy Valentine's Day

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. ~Author Unknown

Quote of the Day for Wednesday, 2/13/08

“Your depression is connected to your insolence and refusal to praise. Whoever feels himself walking on the path, and refuses to praise—that man or woman steals from others every day—is a shoplifter.” --Rumi

I LOST THE ONE I CARED ABOUT THE MOST

I was about seven or eight years old. I had on my school uniform; a plaid blue skirt and a white collared shirt with a snap tie that was made to match my skirt. My hair was in a ponytail and it was a little disheveled due to not brushing it all day. My mom had picked me up and we had walked home together today. When we got to the house my mom went upstairs and I stayed downstairs to watch T.V. since I never got the chance to have the T.V. to myself. After about an hour I was beginning to wonder why no one had come downstairs to check on me or take the T.V. from me. I decided to go upstairs to see where everyone was at. So I went upstairs and noticed everyone was in my grandmother’s room. I remember walking into her room and seeing my grandfather just laying there on the bed and he looked like he was in pain .I noticed everyone was panicking. I looked up and saw my grand mom on the phone. At the time I didn’t know who she was talking to but now I figure I was his doctor. I climbed up onto the rocking chair beside the bed and looked at my grandfather’s face, which was not smiling, happy, lighthearted face I was used to seeing. “Pop Pop are you okay?” I asked him. He replied saying “I’ll be fine Jazz, don’t worry about me”, and he smiled at me, but it wasn’t the way he usually smiled. He still looked unsure and like he was in pain. “I love you Pop Pop”. That was the last thing I ever said to my grandfather. The last words he spoke to me were to tell me he loved me too and not to worry. The next thing I knew I was being pushed out of the room and 2 guys came in. Within the next 5 minutes my grandfather was moved from the bed to a stretcher and taken away in an ambulance. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t figure out what. Everyone left except a neighbor who kept us for the next couple of hours. I remember sitting on the top step and staring at nothing for a long time. I wanted to believe that everything would be okay, as my Grandfather had told me, but I had a feeling that his words weren’t true. The day before my Grandfathers funeral is when they finally told me that he was gone. I already knew. The next day at his funeral, while everyone was crying and carrying on, I went up to see him for the very last time and this is when I realized that I would never hear him laugh, see him see him smile, talk to him, or do anything else with him again. I felt so alone. I had lost the person I cared about the most.

Oops! My Bad.(Final Draft)

Almost time to eat! Me and my family were on our way to my aunt's house on a cool fall night. I was seven years old and I was sitting in between my older cousin and my mom in the back seat of my uncles's Lexus. I loved riding in his car because it was big and fancy and no one else in my family had a car like that one. I was wearing some blue jeans and a pink shirt filled with flowers. I always wanted to be color- coordinated so my jacket was probably pink and so were my shoes. My hair was braided with clear beads all over. I loved jewelry so I had on my little shiny gold hoops and a bracelet with my name on it that my mom bought me for Christmas. As we were riding along, Mary J. Blige’s song came on the radio and I was so excited. `Not gonna cry' was the name of the song and this was one of my favorites. I just couldn’t wait to sing along. I started singing and my family began to laugh and was surprised that I knew every word. My favorite part of the song was about to come up and I began to sing louder and louder. I sang from the top of my lungs, “I should have left your ass a thousand times. No I’m-`` I was interrupted by loud laughter that filled the car. I stopped, looked around and asked what was so funny. They told me that I said a bad word when I was singing. “No I didn’t” I snapped back. They continued to laugh, but I found nothing funny. Once I realized what I had said, I was so sacred that I would get in trouble. Even though every one was laughing, I thought they were mad at me. After they saw how upset I was, they kept telling me that it was okay, but I didn’t listen. I just wanted to cry! I knew how bad cursing was and my mom always told me that I wasn’t supposed to say bad words. Once we got to my aunt’s house, everyone had forgotten about what happened. But not me! As soon as I got into the house I ran into my aunt’s walk- in closet and sat on the floor. I just knew that now that we were in the house, I would get in trouble. I sat in that closet for about fifteen minutes just waiting for my punishment. My mom finally came in and found me and told me not to worry. She said she knew I didn’t mean to say it. Eventually, I came out of the closet and although it still played in the back of my mind, I tried my best to forget about it. I had to ignore the jokes, the teasing, and the laughing my cousins made and tried not to worry about it. Even to this day when I hear the song, I always pause at that part and just remember how scared I was. When I sing the song now and that part comes up, I get a weird feeling as if I said something wrong. Just to be on the safe side, I’ll make sure my mom isn’t around.

"She Shouldn't Have Pulled My Hair" {final draft}

With blood leaking out of my stomach unnoticed, Kaneesha scarred with a black eye, bloody mouth, and a cut above her eye, the only excuse I could come up with for fighting that day was "She shouldn't have pulled my hair". I didn't know what else to say but I did know that I
would have to suffer the consequences. At the time I was attending
James Rhodes Middle School on 50th & Parrish St. in West Philadelphia.
I was currently in the 5th grade. When I first arrived at that
school, I was one of those "school-girls". I did all my work, listened
to the teachers attentively, and I never had problems with any of the
students. However, there is always one bad apple out the bunch.
There was this girl named Kaneesha. From some reason, she had a
serious dislike for me. I thought she was jealous of me. Kaneesha
had very short, nappy hair that was matted to her scalp. Her uniforms
were usually wrinkled and dirty. Sometimes she had a weird odor.
Everyone in my classes used to talk about her. I think I may have
been the only person who never talked about her. Instead of her
wanting to befriend me, we became enemies. In the cafeteria one day
all the girls were sitting around talking and munching on their freebies. I was eating a plateful of tator tots. All of a sudden, Kaneesha
comes up to me and sits across me at the table. "I heard you was
talking about me. Anything you got to say to me, say it to my face". First thing that came to my mind was 'who in the hell told this girl that'.
I looked at that girl like she really lost her mind. Here I am, the
only one who doesn't talk about her and I'm the one she confronts. So
I looked around the cafeteria to my surprise, all eyes were on me. I
turn to Kaneesha and reply, "Kaneesha, I suggest you get out my face
with all that dumb shit before you get hurt". Now I really wasn't the
cursing type but she really had my blood boiling. For a good minute
we just stared at each other. She had this devious look in her eyes
so I knew she was up to something. Next thing I knew, Kaneesha pulled
my hair and ran out the exit door to the outside of school. Everybody
knows I don't play when it comes to my long, thick hair. She know she
was wrong for that. I nearly knocked over the table getting up to
chase her outside. Of course, the whole school followed. It felt
like a high speed chase because we were doing about 45 mph. When I
finally caught up to her, I grabbed her coat and knocked her on the
ground. I'm throwing punches, she's kicking and punching. A huge
crowd has formed around us. All I heard was, "Kristina, beat that
B***h up", "Get her Kris, get her". This carried on for a good two
minutes when, out of nowhere, someone yells, "She got a knife". I
didn't realize she had a knife until I felt a sharp pain on my
stomach. By then the school police had stopped the fight. I left the
fight with a cut and she left the fight with a black eye, bloody
mouth, and a cut above her eye. The school police didn't notice the
box cutter in her hand or the blood leaking from my stomach. When the
chaos settled down, Kaneesha and I had to go sit in the accommodation
room. Luckily, our punishment was to write the entire dictionary over
on loose-leaf; which I never did finish. Afterward, I went home to tend to my cut. The next day when I saw Kaneesha, she looked a hot mess. We crossed paths smiling at each other because both of us knew that this wasn't the end.



1. Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better. It doesn’t really pull me in like it should. Im only semi interested. Make it more interesting!!!!
2. What do you think the narrative will be about? You getting in trouble for fighting a girl at school
3. Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences. She fights a dirty girl. In the process of trashing her she gets a cut to the stomach and a punishment.
4. Finish this statement: Things I liked best were… the vivid looks of the girl. How angry the girl made you and how the fight ended.
5. Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were… if she ever got in trouble for cutting you. Who told her you were talking about her. What were you eating when she rudely interrupted the best period of the day LUNCH!!!!

I finally met Him (Final Draft)

I always wondered if he remembered me.When was I going to see him for myself. I could have been about 12 years old. Shy and short just like my mother. She would always tell me that I had my father’s eyebrows. Thick, black and hairy... Even though he wasn’t in my life I always wondered what he looked like. Did I really look like him? I felt as though I would see him one day, so I was patient. My mom always kept in contact with my father’s sister which was my aunt. She also was his twin sister. So one day my mom found her number laying around and decided to call and see what would happen. Even though it was a while since my mom had talking to her, my Aunt still remembered my mom. They exchanged a few words and hung up the phone. I knew right then and there I was going to meet my father. I had seen him before but it was only a picture. And an one at that. It was a picture of him and my mom. He was taller then her, since my mom was only about 4’10. I wondered why he was so hairy, and then I noticed where I had gotten my eyebrows from. His were thick, black and hairy. Since it was an old picture he looked young in the face. He wore a platted shirt and an old pair of jeans. My mom looked happy so I always wondered where it went wrong. When I would ask she would just say “It’s a long story”. The day was here. It was my time to finally meet him. The night that he had came down; we met up at a hotel. Only because he wasn't too familiar with the area. I was nervous. Hands small and sweaty. I kept replaying my answers, to any questions he was about to ask me. I wore a pair of jeans, which were my favorite and a red shirt. The shirt was kind of old but I didn't really care at the time. I was his daughter so why would it have mattered what I was wearing? When we arrived at the hotel, my stomach felt as though, I had just gotten on a roller coaster for the first time.Horrible.We took the elevator to the right floor and knocked on the room door. At that moment right there, I didn't know what to expect. He opened the door with arms wide open. Me being so young not knowing too much, I just hugged him, even if I could've been hugging a stranger. He pulled away from me to take a look at me. He looked much older then he did in the picture of course. He still was hairy, in his mid 30s and not as taller then I expected. When he stared at me he started to cry. I did not know if it was tears of sadness or Joy and I didn't dare ask. While I sat down, him and my mom conversated for a while until it was time to go. He spent the night there, so he was able to spend the rest of the next day with me. As I was standing up to make my way out the door, my mom was like “Hey aren't you going to say bye?". Therefore, me being shy as I was, I waved. My dad knowing that he will see me tomorrow, waved at me with a straight face. I went home and went to bed, wondering how my next day was going to be. The next morning my mom woke me up. We were on our way to eat breakfast. So I woke up even faster. When we arrived to the restaurant, I order a number 1, which were pancakes with bacon and toast. My mom ordered the same. Any my dad tried it also. We sat and talked about my life and his. After a while I started to become more comfortable towards him. He was nice and caring so I wasn’t going to be mean The morning was soon ending and we had to say our goodbyes. My mom wanted me to have some pictures of him and I, so she took a couple at different murals around the neighborhood. When he was giving me a hug before he left, he didn’t want to let go. He told me we will see each other again soon. It was a day that I would never forget.

1.)Your opening sentence does not catch my attention. You should start you story off with this: Although he wasn’t in my life I always wondered what he looked like, and what it would be like to have my father around.2.)I think the narrative will be about a young girl who misses her father's affection.3.)The narrative is about a 12yr old girl who has never met her father. She is very excited to meet him, but acts very shy when the two of them meet.4.)Things I liked best were her description of the clothes that she wore and the way she looked when she first met her father. I also liked the description of the food she ate because I can picture myself eating some pancakes right now.5.)I would like to know more about how her father felt, and if she felt more comfortable with him the next day that the two of them were together.

i WANT3D THAT WAT3RiC3 [FiNAL DRAFT]

As I look back, I see how my perfect outfit dwindled to dust. I saved this outfit for as long as I could remember. This was the perfect day. I was hanging with my friends at the movies. We went to 69th street movie theatres to see the new movie Freddy vs. Jason. It was such a good day and I knew for sure nothing could ruin it. Back in the neighborhood, I wanted to end my night off with my favorite water ice. As I let the cherry water ice slide down my throat, I noticed there were little slices of cherry dancing on my tongue. This had to be a sign that my night would end as it began, PERFECT! As my sister, best friend, and I began to walk up Larchwood, I noticed a crowd of people looking at me. I thought it was because my new outfit was fly…Guess again. A neighbor hood girl ran out of her house, scarf tied around her weave, so I knew what it was hitting for. I prepared myself for a simple one-on-one. “Here Janik hold my water ice, I think I’m bout to fight.” I said. However after I gave her my water ice, I realized this wouldn’t be a simple one-on-one. I guess Janik noticed as well because the next thing I knew, my water ice comes in contact with the floor and I saw Janik’s keds scurrying around the corner as she yelled, “I’ll go get help.” All I could think was DARN!When the girl came up to me all I could hear was yelling; So my instinct was to just hit her, and that’s how it started (A simple one-on-one), kind of fun actually. Then all of a sudden there was a solar eclipse. My mistake it was her 400lbs sister hovering over my back. That’s when it hit me. Her large juicy meaty fist connected to my small frail frame. As her stomach did the Harlem Shake with out notice I saw my little sister crying trying her best to help and all I could think was, “that darn Janik.” After awhile it began to get helpless to try to fight back so I reserved my energy to keep from reaching the ground. One by one my perfect outfit dwindled. Ooops! Out came my ponytail. Then off they ripped my shirt. Suddenly my eye closes and my lip hangs. After all was said and done, I used my good eye and witnessed my “boyfriend” with tears streaming down his eyes. I assumed it was from the pain of seeing me get trashed. NOT! It was from the pain of his ribs splitting from laughter.As I picked up my dignity, I walked around the corner and saw something far more worst than the beating i had just recieved. With my good eye, I saw Janik finishing her water ice while doing me a huge favor, warming my front steps with her butt. The bad thing is, she didn't help me nor did she save my water ice. All I could think at the moment was "I wanted that water ice." I went into my home expecting my mother to have known my previous whereabouts, however Janik's keds did not have the same force to run up my steps as they had to leave the fight because my mother knew nothing. The night came and went but my toughts stayed the same, "I wanted that water ice."The next afternoon, I forgot about the embarassing moment and went to obtain a new water ice. Everything seemed to be going right for the day as the cold water ica slide down my throat and the cherry slices danced on my tounge. Walking up Larchwood didn't seem so bad until I noticed my clip on ponytail hanging from the telephone wire along with with multiple pairs of old shabby sneakers. I began to continue my walk home, head held high; I smiled and thought, "At least I have my water ice!"



Kristina said...
1.Does this opening interest you?Yes because i want to know how the title is related to the outfit mentioned in the opening sentence.

2.What do you think the narrative will be about?I think it will be about her spilling her water ice on her new outfit.

3.Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.She gets a water ice and as she's eating it, she gets into a fight. After the brutal fight is over,black eye in all, she gets another water ice.

4.Finish this statement: Things I liked best were… the descriptions of the girl she fought and the way she looked afterward.

5.Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were… did the girl ever try to fight you again after that and how long did it take for your face to heal?
February 12, 2008 11:15 AM

FIRST TIME I GOT IN BIG TROUBLE FINAL DRAFT

I cried uncontrollably and waited until the adrenaline rush finally hit me. My sisters and I used to go to my aunt's daycare every day after school until my dad got off from work. The reason I got in trouble was so extreme that I just couldn't forget it, not even until this day. First, I was offered a sandwich by my aunt; she owned the daycare. I began to eat the sandwich then I realized that it was nasty. I just didn't want to eat it because of the way she made it. At the same time, I didn't want to make her feel ambarassed or upset that I didn't like her sandwich. So I made my decision to throw away the sandwich without telling her that I didn't finish eating it because it was nasty. She approached me with suspicion and asked me did I finish eating the sandwich. I lied and said yes because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I was only seven years old and I didn't know how she would take it, knowing that I disliked her sandwich. She must have known that I didn't eat the sandwich or maybe she saw me throw it away. After I lied about eating the sandwich, she checked the trashcan and found it in there. By then, I felt twice as stupid because I had already lied and I had gotten caught. I must not have tucked the sandwich deep into the trash can far enough because she found the sandwich right when she looked in the trash can. She yelled at me and I got in so much trouble. I was young so I never understood why she got mad at me for trying to spare her feelings of making a terrible sandwich. Once my father picked us up from the daycare, my aunt told him that I threw my sandwich in the trash. He told my sister and I to go home, which was right across the street, and get ready for a beating. We were so scared and confused. First of all, my sister didn't do anything so why was she gettin in trouble too? Secondly, I didn't want to hurt my aunt's feelings about the disgusting sandwich so I simply threw it away. Why would I get in trouble for that? Last, why should I get a beating for not eating food, even if I just wanted to throw it away? So my sister and I went across the street to our house and got ready to get in more trouble by my dad. Once he came in the house, we got our beating and my sister was so mad at me that she got in trouble. But that wasn't my fault, I never knew why he punished her too. As of today, I do realize why I did get in trouble, even though it was pointless. I lied. I got in trouble by my aunt and my father because I had lied. Back then I didn't realize that lying is such a bad thing when you're young. But as of today, I still don't agree with the beating part. I was young, they could have understood why I lied. Don't you agree?

My first time wearing heels FINAL DRAFT

I was really starting to grow up my summer going into 5th grade.I hung around older kids, did my own hair,picked out my own clothes,went to the mall with my friends alone,but there was one thing i really wanted that my mom just wouldnt let me have......A pair of heels! I begged my mom to buy me a pair of heels but she just wouldnt give in. She said "Shavon they are too grown and you are a child".I really couldn't argue with her because there is NO arguing with my mom.If i would have gotten mad she would have slapped me into a different timezone. Anyway, it was back to school time so that meant shopping and my mom only brought me sneakers and some maryjane looking shoes that i hated.I went out side to vent to my neighbors about how my mom was so over protective of the little things while their mom's were so cool about everything compared to my mom. Later on that night after playing hard outside with my friends i went in my room and saw a red shoe box on my bed. Inside the box was a pair of size 5 wedges on my bed. They were tan with blue woven in the heel and had a pretty woven flower on the top. I kicked off my dogged Nike’s and stuck my foot in the pretty shoe. I could not wait to show these off.I asked my mom what made her get them and she said that she felt i was responsible enofe to have a pair that didnt look too grown. I kept them in the box because my mom would not let me wear them all the time, but one day she let me. I guess she was in a good mood. I wore a blue dress with flowers that my shoes complemented perfectly. Everyone wanted to know where I got them from and I honestly told them, I did not know because my mom bought them. Most people back then used that excuse as a lie because they didn’t want anyone to know where they got their gear from but I was telling the truth. My whole day went good. My 6th girlfriends were proud of me. Everything was going perfect until.............Recess! My day went great, it really did but the un-thinkable happened. Why? Who knows, but anyways this is what happened at recess that day. Walking up the steps to the school yard the breeze felt good, as my long pony tails blew with the flow of my dress. The sun was really blinding my eyes but I managed to see what I needed to.I saw a husky black shadow walking up to me with the sun behind it. As the shadow got closer I then saw the shadow with a smile. I thought I was hallucinating because it looked like some kind of creature off a cartoon. The shadow walked up to me and I saw Mikeisha. She then yelled with her squeaky voice “LOOK SHAVON”!!! She stuck her arm out dingling something in my face. I couldn’t make out what it was because of the sun I Just saw something that was fuzzy with a million legs in my face. it was a caterpillar.I passed out. I literally stumbled back and fell on my back laying on the ground, not to mention with my eyes closed, Oh and my dress was up. When I snapped back into reality I sat up and fixed my dress and walked over to my friends in embarrassment. They asked me if I wanted to play rope I said yes to get what just happened off my mind. When it was my turn to jump I forgot to take off my heels and I jumped in the rope. Two good jumps I felt my small ankle crack then I fell again. Only this time I hurt myself. I sprung my ankle............I never wore heels again untill 10th grade.
by Shavon

Peer Editing

A peer reads your writing and gives you advice about how to improve it.
Find someone in class to be your editor for this first assignment.
Being a good editor of someone else’s work can help you as a writer, too, because it forces you to think more about what makes for good writing.

Ask your peer editor to read your narrative and answer the following questions about it:
Read the opening section of the narrative and then stop to answer questions 1 and 2.
Then finish the narrative and complete the response sheet by answering the questions on a separate sheet of paper.

1. Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
2. What do you think the narrative will be about?
3. Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.
4. Finish this statement: Things I liked best were…
5. Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were…

Quote of the Day for Tuesday, 2/12/08

"Writing is like a contact sport, like football. Why do kids play football? They can get hurt on any play, can't they? Yet they can't wait until Saturday comes around. Writing is like that. You can get hurt, but you enjoy it." --Irwin Shaw

I was so excited!!!! (final draft)

I was awaken by the sounds of my family screaming and clapping. My mother was yelling "Get up Keyanna, come on. Today is the day baby, you graduate today." My brother hollered out "ill, you ugly as shit in the morning." After he said that, everyone was laughing hysterically. My mom told everyone to get out of my room so that I could get up and get ready. After my family exited my room, I pulled my blanket off of me and hopped out of bed.
I was very excited and nervous at the same time. My legs were weak because I had stayed up real late the night before and I didn't get a lot of sleep. I shook my legs and stretched every limb of my body from my head down to my toes. When I opened my closet door the first thing that I saw was my lovely turquoise dress and my silver heels that were positioned on top of a shoe box on my closet floor. I placed my dress across my bed and set my shoes down on the floor in front of the bed. I quickly grabbed my washcloth, towel, and toothbrush, and then I dashed down the hall to the bathroom.
While relaxing in the shower, I began to contemplate on how the day would turn out. I was nervous because I had written a speech about my family and friends that I would recite on stage in front of everyone. I began asking myself a series of questions: What if I trip on stage? What if I start sweating uncontrollably? What if everyone laughs at my speech? In an attempt to calm my nerves, I thought about my friends and how much fun we would have together singing and dancing on stage.
After about thirty minutes later, I turned the shower off, grabbed my toothbrush and started brushing my teeth. I must have been brushing too hard because my gums started to bleed a little. I said to myself "Damn I'm really nervous. I need to calm down cause it aint like I haven't spent four years in school wit all these people anyway. Shit I know a lot of them gone be lookin busted." I was more relaxed after I made myself laugh. I grabbed all of my things and walked down the hall to my room.
I hurriedly applied lotion to my body so that I could put on my dress. After I put on my dress, I put on my heels and started lacing them around my calves. When I was completely dressed, I untied my scarf, took it off my head and threw it on the bed. My mom bolted threw my door and said "Oh my god, you look so beautiful. Wow boo, you are just so pretty." Then she started tearing up and told me to hurry up because we would be leaving in fifteen minutes.
When we arrived at Vare Middle School, I was amazed at how pretty everyone looked. All of the girls were so colorful and bright and the guys looked so damn sexy! While my family took their seats in the auditorium, I ran behind the stage to get in line with the rest of my graduating class. The guys and the girls were to enter the stage from two different directions. When they stared calling out names I froze. I was so scared and nervous. It took, what felt like an eternity, for the principal to call my name. When the principal finally called my name and I walked out on the stage I felt like a star because everyone was snapping pictures and screaming my name. The best part of the day was when we had to sing our graduation song. It was so funny, everyone was singing R. Kelly's "I believe I can fly" out of tune. Some people were even trying to hit a couple high notes every now and then, but I was just enjoying the show.
A fellow classmate of mine called my name, I was so terrified. It was time for me to recite my speech. My heart was racing and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. When I reached the podium I looked straight down at my paper because I was too scared to make eye contact with anyone. As I was reciting my speech, people began clapping and cheering me on. This allowed me to loosen up and make eye contact with almost everyone in the auditorium.
After we danced, cried, and took hundreds of pictures everyone started to leave the school. My friends and I agreed that we would meet up later to do a little more celebrating. Later on that night Sharonda, Nashay, Briana, Mydia, Ebony, Pup, Raheem, Crip, Fuss and I all went to the movies on Delaware Avenue. After we watched about three movies, we headed to Mc Donald’s. All the guys and girls were flirting and just enjoying each others company. I arrived home around 1:30 in the morning. As I lay in the bed, I thought about all the memories that I had experienced throughout my four years in junior high and I said to myself, “With all the fights, break ups, loss of friendships, and rumors if I could do it all over I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Merry Christmas

It was a hectic but peaceful and joyful morning. My mom and my aunts was in the kitchen cooking up a delicious dinner for the family. My pops and uncles was in the living room watching a boxing match. The little kids was making a mess of the living room, while they ran around throwing fake snow everywhere. While, all this was going on I was in my bed knocked out. I had a long night and got in the house late. As soon as I got in the house I just fell right to sleep. All the noise and commotion didn’t wake me up, surprisingly. Until my bighead sister woke me up. She yelled in me ear “WAKE UP, IT’S CHRISTMAS”. I told her to shut up and threw the pillow at her, but missed. I didn’t see how I missed, knowing that her head was the size of two grapefruits put together. When she left, I realized I was fully awake and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I got washed up and got dressed. I went downstairs and greeted the folks. I never seen most of my family together before, so I knew today was going to be a good day. I went into the kitchen while trying not to step on the toys the kids had laying around every where. I gave my mother a hug and went straight to the food. After some good breakfast, We opened presents. We never actually said “Merry Christmas”, because some of my family members was Muslim. It wasn’t a big deal anyway, all I got was a crappy sweater and a pair of sneakers. Later that day, I started to run around like any other 9 year old and played with the family dog. My mom warned me about running around , but I ignored her, biggest mistake ever. I stared to chase the dog around and tried to catch him. Everything was fun until I looked up and saw the round corner of the dinning room table. BAM!!! I fell right on my rear, and sat there for a good minute. Then tears just started pouring out. My eye swelled up like my sister’s big head. It was the blackest eye I ever seen. My family didn’t even helped me, all they did was laugh their drunks butts at me. My mother laughed and said “I told you so”. And she was right. The rest of the day I had to sit and watch television out of one eye while holding a pack of ice against my right eye. It might of hurt, but the memory of that Christmas morning brings laughter to my day.

Quote of the Day for Monday, 2/11/08

"We...write to heighten our own awareness of life...We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection...We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it...to teach ourselves to speak with others." --Anais Nin

Revising: Improving Your Beginning

Step Three: Revising
Create vivid openings.
Openings should do two things:
Catch a reader’s interest.
Focus the attention on the topic of the narrative.

Find Examples
Use the textbook under your desk to find three examples of particularly good openings.
Write the sentence or phrase you think is particularly good, the title, author, and page number.

Rewrite Your Opening
Rewrite your opening sentence.
Will your opening interest your readers?
Does your opening suggest to your reader what your narrative will be about?
Homework:
Rewrite your opening, making the necessary changes.

maybe its a good thing that it happened (final draft)

Why did this scary rememberable incident had to happen to me…………. It was just the three of us in the car my aunt my cousin and me. All day we had fun playing games going to the mall and went to pizza hut for pizza. I would never forget December 5,1999. Just coming from Pizza hut we decided to go to Kay Bee toys to see what we could buy my cousins for Christmas. As we came to the intersection to go to Kay Bee Toys, a baby blue Taurus hit my aunts Chrysler van on the side rear exactly where I was sitting. My cousin Taliah was sitting next to me but the guy in the Taurus hit us so hard her arm bashed! through the other window. This irresponsible teenager made us hit 7 other cars but no one was hurt as much as we were. As we got to the other side of the intersection to get everyone checked out I was unconscious. When I started to get up I heard my cousin screaming at the top of her lungs wanting my aunt who had a painful sore neck. The cops showed and tried to get all the cars that got hit together. We were still waiting in the car for the paramedics to come get us out of the car, and this lady from out of nowhere came up to the car and asked us did we want any tastycakes! My aunt was so mad she told the lady hell no! Does it look like my kids want tastycakes we‘ve just been in an accident. The lady was trying to act as if she was so sorry and she didn’t know that she was wrong. The paramedics gave us the okay to get out of the car and for us to get in the ambulance. We all got in the ambulance where my aunt was laying on the stretcher and me and my cousin was sitting next to her side by side. My aunt looked at me and said bailey where are your glasses I felt my face and started to cry, I didn’t even notice that my glasses weren’t on and the only thing I could think about was what was I going to tell my mom about my glasses. When we got to the hospital the detectives asked me questions on what happened at the scene with my uncle present there with me and I told them all that I remembered. I went to the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror there were nothing but scratches on my face and all I could think about was them never going away then my mouth felt a little sore and swollen so I didn’t know what to think. When I went into the room the doctors took x-rays and saw that I may have a broken jaw. I called my mom to tell her what happened so she could come get me and all I could think about was my glasses and I was scared that I was going to get in trouble. My mom explained to me that as long as I was okay that was all that she was worried about. When my mom arrived to the hospital in New Jersey to come get me she was crying but glad that I was okay. We left the hospital to go home and from that day until about 2 years ago we went to court and won the case. And on February 28, 2008 I will be collecting 25,000 thanx to the blue Taurus who s insurance went sky rocket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. I think the opening made me wonder what it was that happening to her that she wish would not have happen and it did interest me.
2. I think this narrative will most likely be about something tragic and scary that she wished would not have happen to her.
3. She was driving with her aunt and cousin and a car hit them. She lost her glasses and was afraid of being in trouble rather than the accident she was just in.
4. The things I liked best where…..how she was concerned about her lost glasses.
5. The things I would like to know more about where….the injuries of the other passengers or the injury of the man driving.
And why would some women asked a car full of injured people if they wanted tastycakes.

My Heart Is In My Stomach!!! ( Final Draft)

The morning of my first ballet recital, we’ve practiced for months. I practice all day everyday, at school, the market, walking around the mall, EVERYWHERE. My mom and I are doing a lot of running around, its now 9:30 am and the recital starts at noon. My hair is in the most perfect prettiest bun. I have on a pair of new beautiful pearl earrings, my black bodysuit, black stockings, tiny black ballet shoes (that still sit on my bookshelf), and a pink and black tu tu with pink and black ribbons in my hair. I feel more beautiful than ever and I feel I can’t be anymore ready for this recital until…we arrive at my ballet school and my heart is now in my stomach and I don’t know why on earth I ever joined this ballet class. I’m so nervous; I’m sweating like crazy. I walk in and see like 50 people that seem like hundreds. All of a sudden I don’t feel as pretty as before, my stockings are making me itch and everything just doesn’t feel right at all! I get backstage and I see everyone running around like a body without a head and I know that at this point there is no turning back. Its time to suck up this stage fright and just hope for the best at this point. We all line up and my instructor makes sure that everyone hair and outfits are just as pretty as they are. We all get onto the stage and see my mom, dad grandma, uncles and aunts and I relax. All my practicing and drive my mom crazy pays off because I’m thinking about the steps I’m just moving to the music and I feel like I'm floating and now I don’t want to leave the stage. I finish performing and all my family comes to the back with flowers and hugs and more congratulation than I can image and ballet has just changed from just an after school program to a passion that I grew to love.

1. This opening interested me enough to keep reading but I felt like her opening sentence should have had more specific detail.
2. I think this narrative will be about how a person had very important day to look forward to but she was nervous about it and scared but at the end it was a good outcome, and she was glad to do it.
3. She was very nervous about her ballet recital and she didn’t think that she could go through with it. Once Princess did the recital her butterflies were gone and she realized that it wasn’t hard at all and she appreciated all the love she got from her family and friends, and she knew that she could do it again.
4. Things I liked best were how she explained how she felt throughout the narrative and why she felt that way. The detail on what she was wearing and how she was during the recital and that made it a lot more interesting.
5. Things I would like to know more about were what happened after the recital. To me it seemed like it wasn’t an outcome from the story and I just wanted to know more about what she got out of the ballet dancing and the recital beside her being nervous, getting over with the recital and then having relief I feel like there should have been more.

I finally met Him

I could’ve been about 12 years old. Shy and short just like my mother. She would always tell me that I had my father’s eyebrows. Thick, black and hairy.. Even though he wasn’t in my life I always wondered what he looked like. Did I really look like him? I felt as though I would see him one day, so I was patient. My mom always kept in contact with my father’s sister which was my aunt. She also was his twin sister. So one day my mom found her number laying around and decided to call and see what would happen. Even though it was a while since my mom had talking to her, my Aunt still remembered my mom. They exchanged a few words and hung up the phone. I knew right then and there I was going to meet my father. I had seen him before but it was only a picture. And an one at that. It was a picture of him and my mom. He was taller then her, since my mom was only about 4’10. I wondered why he was so hairy, and then I noticed where I had gotten my eyebrows from. His were thick, black and hairy. Since it was an old picture he looked young in the face. He wore a platted shirt and an old pair of jeans. My mom looked happy so I always wondered where it went wrong. When I would ask she would just say “It’s a long story”. The day was here. It was my time to finally meet him. The night that he had came down; we met up at a hotel. Only because he wasn't too familiar with the area. I was nervous. Hands small and sweaty. I kept replaying my answers, to any questions he was about to ask me. I wore a pair of jeans, which were my favorite and a red shirt. The shirt was kind of old but I didn't really care at the time. I was his daughter so why would it have mattered what I was wearing? When we arrived at the hotel, my stomach felt as though, I had just gotten on a roller coaster for the first time.Horrible.We took the elevator to the right floor and knocked on the room door. At that moment right there, I didn't know what to expect. He opened the door with arms wide open. Me being so young not knowing too much, I just hugged him, even if I could've been hugging a stranger. He pulled away from me to take a look at me. He looked much older then he did in the picture of course. He still was hairy, in his mid 30s and not as taller then I expected. When he stared at me he started to cry. I didn't know if it was tears of sadness or Joy and I didn't dare ask. While I sat down, him and my mom conversated for a while until it was time to go. He spent the night there, so he was able to spend the rest of the next day with me. As I was standing up to make my way out the door , my mom was like " Hey aren't you going to say bye?". So me being shy as I was, I waved. My dad knowing that he will see me tomorrow, waved at me with a straight face. I went home and went to bed, wondering how my next day was going to be. The next morning my mom woke me up. We were on our way to eat breakfast. So I woke up even faster. When we arrived to the restaurant, I order a number 1, which were pancakes with bacon and toast. My mom ordered the same. Any my dad tried it also. We sat and talked about my life and his. The morning was soon coming to an end and we had to say our goodbyes. My mom wanted me to have some pictures of me and him so she took a couple at different murals around the neighborhood. It was a day that I would never forget.

Oww

It was a couple years ago at a park near my house. I was surrounded by trees in all directions. The grass was littered with leaves and acorns. I was wearing faded black Fallen’s with fabric protruding from the toecap. The bottoms of my pants were slightly ripped around the edges. They were khaki cargos supported by a mangled belt that looked even worse than my shoes. I had to spend every 10 minutes or so lifting my pants because I lacked a properly functioning belt. I wore a white T-shirt and could feel the cold air on my sleeveless arms. I was skating with friends and I decided to ride down a steep downhill path that measured about a 100 yards that I had skated a few times before. I had tuned my board since then but I didn’t bother to see how it would run because I was bored and had to do something exciting. My friend wouldn’t skate it because he was too scared and said I was crazy. I started off and didn’t even bother to clear the road of shit that would get in my way (branches, acorns, rocks, etc.). I was fine for a good 7-10 seconds then my board started to shake uncontrollably. I was going excessively fast to stop or jump off, stuff I was use to doing. I just looked down at the board and was like WTF! I should’ve used my other board but I wasn’t thinking. This board was way too fast and I had just recently cleaned the bearings. The board’s front side jerked to the left and I took two running steps before I flew through the air. My body tackled the ground a couple of times and skid the rest of the way. I laid on the ground watching the board get away from me. I got up slowly to find my pants completely torn with blood soaking the edges. I lifted my shirt to see a large bloody skid mark covering my hip. “Thank god, I didn’t wear one of my other belts today”, I thought. It would have hurt like hell. My friend was like, “WTF, I should’ve got that on camera!” The color red substituted where my elbows originally were. My bloody knees felt like they were ready to disconnect from their sockets. Despite all that, I probably would have tried again if I had more feeling in my lower body.

"She Shouldn't Have Pulled My Hair"

"She shouldn't have pulled my hair", was my excuse for fighting after
school that day. I didn't know what else to say but I did know that I
would have to suffer the consequences. At the time I was attending
James Rhodes Middle School on 50th & Parrish St. in West Philadelphia.
I was currently in the 5th grade. When I first arrived at that
school, I was one of those "school-girls". I did all my work, listened
to the teachers attentively, and I never had problems with any of the
students. However, there is always one bad apple out the bunch.
There was this girl named Kaneesha. From some reason, she had a
serious dislike for me. I thought she was jealous of me. Kaneesha
had very short, nappy hair that was matted to her scalp. Her uniforms
were usually wrinkled and dirty. Sometimes she had a weird odor.
Everyone in my classes used to talk about her. I think I may have
been the only person who never talked about her. Instead of her
wanting to befriend me, we became enemies. In the cafeteria one day
all the girls were sitting around talking. All of a sudden, Kaneesha
comes up to me and sits across me at the table. "I heard you was
talking about me. Anything you got to say to me, say it to my face".
I looked at that girl like she really lost her mind. Here I am, the
only one who doesn't talk about her and I'm the one she confronts. So
I looked around the cafeteria to my surprise, all eyes were on me. I
turn to Kaneesha and reply, "Kaneesha, I suggest you get out my face
with all that dumb shit before you get hurt". Now I really wasn't the
cursing type but she really had my blood boiling. For a good minute
we just stared at each other. She had this devious look in her eyes
so I knew she was up to something. Next thing I knew, Kaneesha pulled
my hair and ran out the exit door to the outside of school. Everybody
knows I don't play when it comes to my long, thick hair. She know she
was wrong for that. I nearly knocked over the table getting up to
chase her outside. Of course, the whole school followed. It felt
like a high speed chase because we were doing about 45 mph. When I
finally caught up to her, I grabbed her coat and knocked her on the
ground. I'm throwing punches, she's kicking and punching. A huge
crowd has formed around us. All I heard was, "Kristina, beat that
B***h up", "Get her Kris, get her". This carried on for a good two
minutes when, out of nowhere, someone yells, "She got a knife". I
didn't realize she had a knife until I felt a sharp pain on my
stomach. By then the school police had stopped the fight. I left the
fight with a cut and she left the fight with a black eye, bloody
mouth, and a cut above her eye. The school police didn't notice the
box cutter in her hand or the blood leaking from my stomach. When the
chaos settled down, Kaneesha and I had to go sit in the accommodation
room. Luckily, our punishment was to write the entire dictionary over
on loose-leaf; which I never did finish.

A Tragic Experience

My Grandmom



I remember the day very clearly. I remember the people, the smells, and the noises. I was eight years old. It was two weeks before Christmas. I had on my black Reeboks with the Velcro straps. I had on a green and yellow swishy swashy sweat suit with a yellow turtleneck. My hair was in braids with colorful beads that would make noise every time I turn my head. I had a look of confusion on my face because I didn’t understand what was going on. I saw all of my family crying and making loud noises. The radio was playing in the background of all the noise. On the radio was Lean on Me by Kirk Franklin. Soon the ambulance came rushing in the house to take her away. My grandmother, who I called mom mom, was a very important part of my life growing up. I’ll never forget the smell of her house when I first walked in. It smelled like she was always cooking a meal. In the living room I would always sit on the tan couch with the plastic covering that made me sweat when I had shorts on. She said that I would always take over the T.V. every time I came over. I remember she was the only person I knew with a big screen television. In back of the T.V. was a huge painting of the ocean, which she always loved to visit. I will never forget the day that my mom mom died. I didn’t cry at first because her death didn’t set into my reality. I knew that she was sick for a long time, but I didn’t realize that she was suddenly going to die. As I watched my mom and everyone else in the room watch my mom mom slip in and out of consciousness I began to pray. After I prayed I went back in the room and I saw my mom mom lying on the bed while everyone surrounded her. My aunt told me to go downstairs and said that only grownups needed to be in there. Soon the ambulance rushed in the house. About ten minutes later they carried my mom mom in a body bag and put her in the ambulance. I still felt confused. I asked my mom what was going on. With tears in her eyes, she told me that my grandmother went to live in heaven. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to cry but at the same time, I didn’t want my mom to see me crying. I felt that I had to stay strong for my mom because while my grandmother was in the hospital, that is what she told me to do. Soon my whole family was at the house talking and reminiscing about my grandmother. About two weeks later, two days before Christmas, we all went to her funeral. I still didn’t cry about her death because it didn’t feel real. But when we walked around to view the body, all of these tears came rolling down my face. It finally felt real to me. I started to realize that she was gone and I would never see her face again. I loved her with all of my heart. I went over to my mom and gave her a big hug. I think about my mom mom all the time and I know she would be proud of me. This was a time that I will never forget.


Kiarrah Newsome

WOMAN VS. GORILLA

It was almost the last day of 8th grade. I was probably 14 years old. I was 5'5 with braids, to think about it I look exactly the same now that Im in the 12 th grade. I had on a blue shirt and tan pants. Those were my middle school uniform colors and I hated them . Since it was almost the last day of school there was not alot of students at school, maybe twenty 8th graders. I was the quiet type so people thought I was a punk , until this incident. We were in the lunch room having lunch when Sharell started throwing food. Sharell wasnt an average 8th grader, she was a bully. She was 5'4, fat , and black as hell. People was scared of her but I wasnt gonna sit in my seat and let her throw french fries at me. Eventhough I didnt talk alot when I got mad I didnt know when to shut up. So as you would guess I started running off at the mouth. I can remember exactly what I was yelling , Bitch watch where the fuck you throwing shit". I wish I would have kept my mouth closed but it was to late. I was calling her all types of fat bitches. All of a sudden Sharell got up and said, "What you say", slightly scared I reply,"You heard me".
That was when it all was about to begin , my first fight. When she said she was going to come and slap the shit out of me , I told her to do it as I was getting up out of my seat. Well she wasnt a punk so she came over and handled her business. Everyone in the lunch room was yelling, excited to see a end of the year fight. Since I wasnt the type to get into trouble my teacher Ms.Williams couldnt believe her eyes. Ms.Williams was African American and slightly ghetto. Every child and teacher knew Sharell was a bully so Ms.Williams started hitting Sharell to get her to let go of me hair. It wasnt a big fight but it was fun to me. When it was over my friend Chinique ask me was I ok and I started laughing. I dont know why but maybe because I just got finish fighting a gorilla. I was expecting to be all bloody or swollen but I wasnt. When word got around to the other students no one believe them because I wasnt bleeding; but I earned my respect from the ones who witness it so I didnt care. It was kind of cool.

Oops! My Bad.

It was a cool fall night, probably around October, and my family and I were going to aunt’s house for a family dinner. I was seven years old and I was sitting in between my older cousin and my mom in the back seat of my uncles Lexus. I loved riding in his car because it was big and fancy and no one else in my family had a car like that one. I was wearing some blue jeans and a pink shirt filled with flowers. I always wanted to be color- coordinated so my jacket was probably pink and so were my shoes. My hair was braided with clear beads all over. I loved jewelry so I had on my little shiny gold hoops and a bracelet with my name on it that my mom bought me for Christmas. As we were riding along, Mary J. Blige’s song came on the radio and I was so excited. `Not gonna cry was the name of the song and this was one of my favorites. I just couldn’t wait to sing along. I started singing and my family began to laugh and was surprised that I knew every word. My favorite part of the song was about to come up and I began to sing louder and louder. I sang from the top of my lungs, “I should have left your ass a thousand times. No I’m-`` I was interrupted by loud laughter that filled the car. I stopped, looked around and asked what was so funny. They told me that I said a bad word when I was singing. “No I didn’t” I snapped back. They continued to laugh but I found nothing funny. Once I realized what I had said I was so sacred that I would get in trouble. Even though every one was laughing, I thought they were mad at me. After they saw how upset I was, they kept telling me that it was okay, but I didn’t listen. I just wanted to cry! I knew how bad cursing was and my mom always told me that I wasn’t supposed to say bad words. Once we got to my aunt’s house, everyone had forgotten about what happened. But not me! As soon as I got into the house I ran into my aunt’s walk- in closet and sat on the floor. I just knew that now that we were in the house, I would get in trouble. I sat in that closet for about fifteen minutes just waiting for my punishment. My mom finally came in and found me and told me not to worry. She said she knew I didn’t mean to say it. Eventually, I came out of the closet and although it still played in the back of my mind, I tried my best to forget about it. I had to ignore the jokes my cousins made about me cursing and tried not to worry about it. Even to this day when I hear the song, I always pause at that part and just remember how scared I was. When I sing the song now and that part comes up, I get a weird feeling as if I said something wrong or that I might get in trouble. Just to be on the safe side, I’ll make sure my mom isn’t around.