Quote of the day for Friday, 3/7

"In the final analysis, real suspense comes with moral dilemma and the courage to make and act upon choices. False suspense comes from the accidental and meaningless occurrences of one dammed thing after another." --John Gardner

For Monday, you need to complete a first draft of your story.

• Be sure to keep in mind that we will be looking for a story that makes a point, creates a certain mood, and/or leaves the reader with some thought to ponder.
  
• Your main character faces down some conflict either internal or external.

Be ready to read the draft of your story Monday.

Quote of the Day for Thursday, 3/6

"I know that my original idea for a story is going to be only the point of departure for something that will push me in an unexpected way." --Mario Vargas Llosa

Edgar Allen Poe wrote of the short story... "A skillful literary artist has constructed a tale. If wise, he has not fashioned his thoughts to accommodate his incidents; but having conceived, with deliberate care, a certain unique or single effect to be wrought out, he then invents such incidents--he then combines such events as may best aid him in establishing this preconceived effect...In the whole composition there should be no word written, of which the tendency, direct or indirect, is not to the one preestablished design."

Also, Poe asserts that if a writer's "very initial sentence tends not to the outbringing of this effect, then he has failed in his first step."

"When we finish reading a well-made short story, we an infer a message about life, the theme. Theme is the main idea of a literary work, its general statement about life. You can state the theme outright in the work, or make readers infer it from details in the plot, characters, and setting"

The elements of a short story are: plot, conflict, point of view, characters, dialogue, setting, and mood.

Quote of the day for Wednesday, 3/5

"The artistic impulse seems not to wish to produce finished work. It certainly deserts us halfway, after the idea is born; and if we go on, art is labor." --Clarence Day

Choose the point of view that you think is the best for telling your story, and explain why. Write your answer on your homework paper before you turn it in.

Take fifteen minutes to continue writing your story in your journal.

Mr. Right {Final Draft}

I finally found everything im looking for. Thoughout my seventeen year of life I have never had a relationship that last longer than 3 months. As soon as things started to get serious I would pull back. Probably because I was scared of getting hurt. I use to make up crazy excuses like, his jokes were getting corny or even those sneakers were dicked that her wore to the movies. I dont really know why but being in a long term relationship seemed impossible for me. As I think of my past relationship I have no regrets. I just feel like those gentlemen wasnt what He had plannned for me. Now that I'm older , almost 18 years old He has placed Mr.Right right in front of me. His name in Dominic Lamar Roper and we been together for 7 months now. Could you imagine coming across a male 5'8 chocolate and a nice body? He is everything I've ever wanted in the opposite sex. We may argue about things but we always end it with a nice cup of I LOVE YOU and that makes everything better. We also call each other names and do crazy things to each other. For instance, when he has the remote control he likes to watch basketball all the time, I dont. So when he gets up to go to the bathroom or downstairs for something I take the remote. First I turn the televison to something I want to watch, then I hide the remote control. We he comes back he starts looking for the remote and I start to laugh giving him the idea that I did something with. He ask me where is the remote and I always reply with a smile," Where you left it". He goes to look again and I laugh even harder then he gets mad. He starts to do crazy things like pinch my arm or legs , or even twist my arm so I can give up and tell him. He always win but I do it every time. We actually have fun together and I enjoy that. He might sometimes tell corny jokes but I dont mine. On thing though, his sneakers are never dicked and Im glad for that. I find myself putting alot of time and effort into this relationship because this is really waht I want. My oldest sister Jasmine who thinks so knows and been though it all always tell me to be careful because men come and go. I hear what she says but this one I want to make sure he stays. I might sound sprung to yall but "Child I'm just in love with a man".



The first sentence doesnt really grab my attention.I think you should start the story off with how u met your bf.

*my favorate line is where you talk about his sneakers not bein dicked.

*the quote that is most vivid i would say is where your explaining about when you take the remote from him.

*I think the whole story could be improved. I feel like im reading a diary page and not a story. I think that you should tell how u met your boyfriend and give detail about when, where, and how u felt. I think you should tell how he is different from past boyfriends.I feel thats its not a story about anything.

*the closing is good but you juss need to make this a story with dialouge and more sensory details. (how he smells, how he looked when you first met him,a day he made you feel specail.)

*Whats clever about the ending is how you listen to your sister but your still gonna listen to yourself first.In the last sentence who are you quoting?

Quote of the Day for Tuesday, 3/4/08

"Not that the story need be long, but it takes a long while to make it short."
--Henry David Thoreau

In your journal...
Brainstorm ideas for a short story (fiction).
Then write one sentence that sums up your story.
Feel free to change your story idea(s) at any time during the writing process.

Homework
Write the beginning of your story four ways: 1st Person-Main Character, 1st Person-Secondary Character, 3rd Person-Omniscient, 3rd Person-Observer

1st Person-Main Character
"As I arrived at school that day, I noticed the stares. How could I not? I didn't talk to anyone. I was too embarrassed."

1st Person-Secondary Character
"I was sitting at the lunch table with my friends when he walked in looking like he'd spent a week on the streets. I couldn't believe he let himself come to school looking like that."

3rd Person-Omniscient
"He walked into the lunchroom with his head down. He was embarrassed that he had the same clothes on that he had on yesterday and the day before that."

3rd Person-Observer
"He walked into the lunchroom with his head down. His clothes were dirty and ragged. They looked like they needed to be washed."

Phone Call [Final]

It was another one of those nights where I kept myself locked up in my room, away from the rest of the world. I was around twelve at the time, too young to understand death, but old enough to feel despair. My uncle was drunk, and I had no intention of going anywhere near him. This was happening a lot, so I was used to it. All I had to do was just make it through another night of screaming gibberish that even the neighbors weren’t too happy about. I would turn the TV on as loud as possible or play some music; sleeping wasn’t an option. At around 9 or so I heard the phone ring. My uncle didn’t answer it, because he was in no condition to hold a conversation. I didn’t answer it because if it was for him, what would I say? My uncle stood by the answering machine and listened; while I hid in the other room listening as well. I heard a familiar voice in complete panic. “Something’s wrong! She’s not moving. I don’t know what to do!” It was my stepfather. It was almost hard to believe it was him, having never heard him sound like this before. I was confused. My hands started shaking uncontrollably. Not because I was nervous, but because I didn’t know what to think. “Did something bad happen? Am I even awake, or is this a dream? Why is this happening now?” I left the room and acted like nothing happened; as if I never heard the call. I went to sleep that night totally in disbelief. I continued my thoughts and questions. “It never happened on TV like this, so it couldn’t be what I think it is. Everything was fine the last time we met. Do I even remember the last thing I said?” Somehow I managed to sleep that night. The next morning, I didn’t want to get out of bed, not because I was tired but because I didn’t want to know. “Maybe I was just overreacting”, I thought. When I went downstairs and into the kitchen the blank atmosphere struck my body automatically. I didn’t move. My uncle looked at me. “Your mom passed away last night,” he said.




1. Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.
2. What is your favorite line from the story? Why?
3. Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details.
4. What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?
5. Does the ending wrap up the story?
6. What is clever and/or lively about the ending?
1. Yes the writer did grab my attention. Why was he locked up in his room? Why did he want to be away from the world?
2. nothing
3. “all I had to do……..gibberish that the neighbors wasn’t even happy about.”
4. everything was good ,but put more detail into what happen, who else was in the house? Or something but everything was good…good suspense.
5. yes
6. he builds up suspense then let us know at the end

MW3N LUB 0U [FiNiZZL3 DRAFTiZZL3]

As I held his head in my lap, I looked around me. My jeans, t-shirt, and hands were drenched in a dark red liquid. I don’t think I was painting that day. So many people were surrounding us but in my mind I was all alone; just me and my best friend lying on the floor taking a quick nap. I wish he would hurry up a wake up I thought. My leg was beginning to fall asleep from his big head. “Pi bon zanmi paske vi!” every time he told me we would be best friends for life, I assumed he meant forever.

I reminisce to the days we would sit on the steps and talk about everything. Two peach sodas sitting between us with him taking sips of mine when he thought I wasn’t looking. I would look into his rainy day gray eyes and know I was always going to be safe with him. He was so light skinned I would use him as if he was a sheet of loose leafed paper drawing funny characters on him while he slept. His hair was longer than most children’s high water pants and O how much I dreaded the buckles my fingers received after I braided it. As much as I see him in my mind, I also see that day playing over and over like a movie with no stop button.

“Babygurl go get some peach sodas, I gotta have a talk with you.” “What did I do now? What do we have to talk about?” “Just go and I’ll see you when I get back.” I already knew what it was. My best friend previously saw me talking to a boy I liked so I knew what the conversation, well lecture, would be about. Midway to the Papi store to get our peach sodas, I heard a loud pop and then I heard nothing. I turned around to see what was going on and I saw my best friend with red paint attacking his shirt like an infectious disease. I laughed and thought “Here we go with the paint ball fight again.” He began yelling at me unaware of my temporary being deaf. I ran and hid behind a car because I thought the paint ball thugs were coming for me next in my all white attire. It seemed like forever waiting for my best friend to come and hide with me like we usually did. I went out to find him and he was still in the same spot, only now he was lying down.

I got my sound back and heard many people screaming. When I reached him, my best friend was repeating over and over “Mwen lub ou April.” I told him, “I love you too; now get up so I can braid your hair while we talk.”; “Ok you’re sleepy? You can lie on my lap and take a quick nap.” I layed down with him, not caring about the oil stain on my cheek, and not caring about the stray cat jumping over me to avoid a car. As I looked around us, I noticed so many people in our face with sorrow in there eyes. I thought, he’s only taking a nap damn it’s not that deep. All of a sudden every one disappeared. It was just me and my best friend, lying in the hot street, making snow angels in the thick, gooey red paint and oil mixture. Just me and my best friend until some one touched him and tried to pry him away from me. I had to protect him while he was sleep, I tried my best to protect him and keep him warm. “Where are ya’ll taking him?” I asked. “Leave him alone, he’s just taking a nap!” They took my best friend away from me and I sat in his blood, with my now red pants and t-shirt, until my parents took me home. I will forever remember my best friend. I cry sometimes not because I miss him, but because I know he is always on the back of my neck, walking on the back of me heels pushing me forward, saying “Mwen lub ou April.” I always reply back with a smile, “I love you too!!”

SYREE PEN FINAL DRAFT

BANG!! Glass shatters and a loud ringing hit my ear. Immediately my taffy dropped straight to the floor of the car. I was pulled out of the back seat and carried out by my aunt while being shielded from life taking bullets. I was about 4 or 5 when my uncle passed, and even now that I am 17, I still don’t understand why my uncle died the way he did. Even though I was pretty young and the incident happened pretty fast, I still remember every detail like it was yesterday. That morning I was so excited to go to my uncle’s house so that he can watch me while my parents go to court for my sister’s hearing. Me and my uncle were like the best of friends. He taught me everything that I carry with me today. When I got dropped off I had seen my uncle and my two older cousins standing outside arguing with 4 other men. When my uncle seen me, he walked up to me and picked me up and took me in the house. I guess the argument was over. The whole day me, my cousins, and my uncle sat and watched TV. It might seem boring but just chilling with my uncle was cool enough. While I was eating a chocolate sundae covered with sprinkles, hot fudge and top off with whip cream that my uncle made for me, an enormous pit bull came from the basement. I started to cry when it walked towards me. My uncle gave me a slight slap to the back of my head and told me stop crying. He told me never to fear anyone or anything. The hot summer day went by pretty fast and it was time for me to go home. I wished I could have stayed over. My uncle got me ready and put me in the back seat of his all black 96 Buick Regal. He gave me cherry flavored taffy so I can get my mind off leaving. He got in the car and started the engine. He turned around and said to me “You all set young boul?” I just looked at him and shook my head yea. He was about to put the car into drive when another all black car pulled up and let off uncountable shots into the driver seat where my uncle was sitting in. The car screeched off while my cousins ran out of the house busting out shots from their shiny toys that I thought was water guns. All I heard was screams and yelling. The ambulance came racing down the block 15 minutes later. Neighbors stood around in confusion trying to wonder why a young boy was crying and screaming. By the time the paramedics stepped out I knew my uncle was gone. My uncle died that afternoon after 10 bullets struck the side of his body, 6 of those bullets went to his head. My uncle was one of the realest and most down to earth person I knew. The 4 men responsible were put into prison all except two which was found murdered on the floor of their basement. There really isn’t a day that I don’t wish my uncle was here to see me in my senior year but I know he’s up there somewhere. I will never forget the goods time we shared and cant wait until the time I am reunited with my uncle.
1) Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.The opening immediately puts the reader into an action-like atmosphere.2)What is your favorite line from the story? Why?"The car screeched off while my cousins ran out of the house busting out shots from their shiny toys that I thought was water guns." It keeps the reader in a child's perspective.3)Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details."While I was eating a chocolate sundae covered with sprinkles, hot fudge and top off with whip cream that my uncle made for me, an enormous pit bull came from the basement."4)What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?Um, details pretty good throughout. You could go into the mood of the block and how everyone reacted(if they did), and you could also go into the details of certain characters clothing.5)Does the ending wrap up the story?Yes, if you add something you could say if you think the six men got what they deserved.6)What is clever and/or lively about the ending?It goes into the present and future and ends with an optimistic tone.

Truly Missed (Final Draft)

"Are you going out tonight?" My mom asked me, while driving me home from I work." Yea, since im off tomorrow". She looked at me with her face expression which meaning she didn’t want me out the house that night. I’m hardheaded so I acted as if she wasn’t looking my way. I walked into the house showered quickly, got dressed and before I left I told my mom bye and I loved her." Oh you’re leaving?" she asked surprised and I answered "Yes" and I closed the door behind me. There were 4 of us in the car, on our way to the party we were invited to. At all the parties we went to, everyone got along and No Limit was expected to be at everyone. No limit wasn’t a gang, squad or whatever else people would want to call them. They were more like brothers that stuck together no matter what. They were always my highlight every weekend.They knew how to live life without worrying about, what others about of them. Just to see them dance, laugh and have fun made me smile. When we arrived at the party we parked up and stood in the car for a couple of minutes. While we were getting out, me and my friends watched as No Limit walked into the party before us. The party wasn't as we expected so we didn't stay long at all. We just stopped in so they wouldn't complain that we didnt. When me and my friends left the party we made a quick stop at a friend’s house before we were on our way to another.This was a normal routine for us. Twenty minutes went by and I received a phone call which read "Home" on the screen of my phone. I answered thinking it was my mom “I’ll be home in a little bit mom" I heard silence "Hello?" my brother then started to talk. My friends saw my face expression change from smiling to disbelief "ok I'll be there now".. I could hardly blink. My friends kept on asking what was going on. But it wouldn't come out, all I can say was "Let’s go. We have to go around my house. No Limit has just got into a car accident". Two of my friends jaws dropped and the other 2 started dialing numbers " We don’t have time for that lets go!!" When we got there we didn’t think it was going to be as bad. Everything was blocked off, so we had to go around the corner, get out the car and run to the scene. When we got there people were crying and calming each other down. The police were telling everyone to leave the scene. We knew this was serious.I saw one of my friends walking up to me, covering her face. "I cant look" she sobbed. I opened my arms to give her a hug, while looking over her shoulder.I then realized there was a white sheet on the ground covering one of the bodies.The police then gave us a second warning. Everyone slowly left the scene, but since it was 2 blocks away from my house, I walked home to put my thoughts together. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t wait to sit down. I walked into the house and asked my brother how did he know all of this had happened. He saw it all. They were hit by a drunk driver. He was just waiting for the bus and he never saw anything like it. There were six of them in the car and slowly throughout that night, it ended as nightmare. 3 dead, 2 injured and 1 paralyzed. I couldn't believe it, I just wanted to wake up and it will all be over.Macho, 19, Fredo, 19 and Lou, 17 were the ones that pasted.They didn't get to live theitr life the way I knew they wanted to.They were well known and the best people to be around, especially at a party. No limit will not be the same without them. Love the ones in your life, you never know when they can be gone. It’s been a month now and I’ve become stronger. I miss you guys.

1.) The writer uses dialogue to grab my attention.
2.) My favorite line is “3 dead, 2 injured and 1 paralyzed.” This sentence makes me think about some of the many good people that I have lost in my life.
3.) This section had the most scenery. “Everything was blocked off, so we had to go around the corner, get out the car and run to the scene. When we got there people were crying and calming each other down. The police were telling everyone to leave the scene. We knew this was serious, when we saw a white sheet covering a body lying on the ground. Everyone left the scene, but since it was just 2 blocks away from my house, I walked home to put my thoughts together. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t wait to sit down. I walked into the house and asked my brother how did he know all of this had happened. He saw it all. They were hit by a drink driver. He was just waiting for the bus and he never saw anything like it. There were six of them in the car and slowly throughout that night, it ended as nightmare. 3 dead, 2 injured and 1 paralyzed.”
4.) “We knew this was serious, when we saw a white sheet covering a body lying on the ground.” This part could have more details because I would like to know more of what she saw. After she says this she just says that she goes home.
5.) Yes the ending wraps up the story.
6.) She gives a few words of inspiration to anyone who has lost someone.

My First Cheerleading Competition (FINAL DRAFT)

“Come on before we get points deducted for you being so clumsy” I said as I helped Natanya up while everyone ran past us. Today couldn’t have taken any longer to come; it was the day of my first cheerleading competition. I was up for what seemed like all night the night before, getting my hair done with the rest of my team. My alarm went off at 7:00, but I was already up and getting ready to take a shower. After my shower I woke up my cousins and went to put on my burgundy, gold and white; North Philly Aztecs cheerleading uniform. Next I unwrapped my freshly done ponytail and went into my moms room so she could put my ribbons, that matched my uniform, into my hair. When I went into her room she was already waiting for me so I sat on her bed and popped my dad with a bally until he got up. When I was completely ready I ran downstairs with my dad. My mom went to heat up the car and my dad took me and my cousins to the kitchen so we could eat breakfast. After we ate me and my 4 cousins piled into my moms car and waited for my parents to come get into the car, we couldn’t wait to get there. After about 5 minutes they finally got into the car and we left. When we arrived at the competition it was 9:30 so we went to meet up with the rest of my team. As soon as we found our team we went to the practice spot to practice our routine for the last time. While we were practicing two of our stunts fell. This was around the time I began to feel nervous, I kept feeling like we were going to mess up when we went out onto the floor. I sat with my team watching all the other teams perform; some were good while others weren’t really that great. After a while I began to get anxious until they announced that after intermission my team would be going on to perform. We all got some water then went to line up so that we could go on in about 5 minutes. When they announced my teams name my stomach was in knots. We began to run out and as soon as we got to the mat the girl in front of me named Natanya tripped and I almost fell over her but I stopped just in time to help her up. “Come on before we get points deducted for you being so clumsy” I said as I helped Natanya up while everyone ran past us. Then me and her went onto the floor and lined up in our given spots and plastered smiles onto our faces. We had 30 seconds before our music would begin and this is when I looked around and even though there was no more than 150 people there it seem liked there was so many more. Then the music began and we did our routine, which was only 3 minutes long and i was so nervous for all 3 of those minutes . We didn’t drop any stunts and it seemed like everyone was together. I was so happy that it was over but I wanted to go again. When everything was over with and they placed us they told us that we had came in second place and we were so excited and we thought we were now going to the state competition but then we found out that we were too young to even qualify. They busted our bubble and one girl even started crying. But I was still happy that we did so well and came in second place.


1. Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.For the most part it was interesting because i wanted to know why were they going to get points taking off..

2. What is your favorite line from the story? Why?While we were practicing two of our stunts fell. This is my favorite line because its kinda forshadowing whats going to happen..

3. Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details.After my shower I woke up my cousins and went to put on my burgundy, gold and white; North Philly Aztecs cheerleading uniform. Next I unwrapped my freshly done ponytail and went into my moms room so she could put my ribbons...

4. What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?how she felt when she was actually doing the routine

5. Does the ending wrap up the story?yes the ending wraps up the whole story. She won second place and such. Gave a fair conclusion.

6. What is clever and/or lively about the ending?how it switched from her whole teaming messing up in practice and then being able to complete the task at the end.

Her Out Of All People (Final Draft)

“This is indeed the remains of Deanna Wright Macintosh”, said the lady on the six o’clock news. She was dead. After a whole month of searching for her, she was dead. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. When I heard the devastating news, my jaw dropped. How could anyone kill her? She was only fifteen years old. She was young, talented, and beautiful. I remember admiring the way she dressed. She would always have the nicest outfit on and she was so coordinated. She had brown medium length hair that always looked so nice. She would come to church every Sunday and on Tuesdays for bible study. She sang on the church choir also. She had such an angelic voice. She always seemed so happy. How could anyone take her life away from her? I couldn’t sleep for nights. I was constantly thinking about what happened to her. I thought about how he raped and strangled her to death. He didn’t stop there. After he killed her, he chopped her body up as if she was a piece of food and put half of it in a big silver tin can and fed the other half to the dogs. I couldn’t get this horrible image out of my head for days. After this incident I didn’t trust anyone. She knew her killer; he worked with her at a pizza store. He looked like he didn't wash up in weeks. he was a twenty-nine year old delivery boy, and she thought she could trust him.This made me realize that no one could be trusted. I began to distance myself from the males in my life. I was scared to travel alone. I was amazed at how strong her mother was. She told me that everything would be okay. I didn’t know how to communicate with her mom because I didn’t want to say anything to make her cry. It was December 31, 2004 when I found out. It turns out that the police found her in an old beat up house that looked like it was about to fall to the ground. It had wood on covering up the windows and graffitti everywhere.The house was only seven blocks away from my house. i rode past this house almost everyday and had no idea that she was in there. At the funeral we couldn’t view the body because it wasn’t there. Instead the casket was filled with the little bit of bones that was left of her. The church, where the funeral was held, was over crowded. People were outside listening in. As tears rolled down my cheeks, like a waterfall, I thought that that could’ve been me. When I got home I looked at the obituary, and read about her accomplishments. She accomplished so much in her short-lived life. She won beauty pageants, was on honor roll, was an aspiring model, and dancer. This made me realize that I need to do more with my life. After seeing all of those people at her funeral, it made me think about how my funeral would be. She had an impact on so many lives, and that’s how I want to be. That night, before I went to bed, I went in my mom’s room and gave her a big hug. I told her that I loved her and I don’t ever want to leave her. But if I were to die today, I want to leave my mark on this earth just like Deanna did.


1)Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.
*The first sentence of her story grabbed my attention because it started with the news being on and talking about a person it made me want to read more because it seemed like an action and it made me interested on what happened to this person and how she made it the news.
2)What is your favorite line from the story? Why?
*"She had an impact on so many lives, and that’s how I want to be. That night, before I went to bed, I went in my mom’s room and gave her a big hug. I told her that I loved her and I don’t ever want to leave her. But if I were to die today, I want to leave my mark on this earth just like Deanna did." Because a lot of people can relate on someones death and then realize how short life is and tell someone they love how they really feel before its too late.
3)Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details.
* I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. When I heard the devastating news, my jaw dropped. How could anyone kill her? She was only fifteen years old. She was young, talented, and beautiful. I remember admiring the way she dressed. She would always have the nicest outfit on and she was so coordinated. She had brown medium length hair that always looked so nice. She would come to church every Sunday and on Tuesdays for bible study. She sang on the church choir also. She had such an angelic voice. She always seemed so happy.
4)What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?
* When she began talking about the man who killed her she could have talked more about him and his description.
5)Does the ending wrap up the story?
*yes
6)What is clever and/or lively about the ending?
*What was clever and lively about the end was that everyone could really relate to it and things like this happen when you realize how short life is.

BESTFRIEND IS WHAT I CALLED HER !!(FINAL DRAFT)

Malika couldn't even look at me in my face. Words can't describe the way I felt. My warm blood got cold. You would have thought I was in Antarctica. Malika keep saying sorry. But I couldn't pay here any mind. I just keep getting flashbacks of what just took place. Malika had this look of terror in her face. She just knew she was wrong for what she did. She was supposed to be going to the mall with Tyrone to get my birthday present. Yeah right, at least that is what I thought. This was supposed to be the best weekend ever. Carmen and me were at the mall, because I was getting my outfit for my party that weekend. Carmen and me just left H&M. We were on are way into the shoe store. I had my hand in my bag reaching for my phone. Right when I started to call Tyrone, Carmen tapped me on my shoulder. She said Net what color shirt did Tyrone have on today? I said black with a confuse look on my face.
That's when she said aint that him over there kissing Malika. As I turned my head, my phone fall and broke in half. There was Tyrone and Malika kissing. I couldn't control myself. I ran towards them and punched Malika so hard in her face, her head hit the wall. As soon as Tyrone seen Carmen coming, he skated. Malika, how can you do this to me I asked with a heart full of anger. Malika eyes were full with water as she said sorry. I replied and said, “No you aint sorry, you dirty, grimmey bird. I should've known that you wanted him. You always try so hard to be me.” I just wanted to stump her to death . Carmen kept telling me to calm down. But everything she said, was going in one ear and out the other. A security guard came over and asked if everything was ok. I told the officer that I was just leaving. As I walked away I just gave her a hard stare. If looks can kill she would had been six feet under. On my ride home I started crying. I felt so betrayed. My sister told me that there was nothing to worry about. She said you know what they say, what goes around comes around. I said you right as I wiped my tears. Malika was going to feel this pain twice as worse!!

Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.
Combine the first two sentences with more detail to pull you in to the story.

What is your favorite line from the story? Why?"what goes around comes around" because it is very true and I can relate to how she felt and why she said that.

Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details.
"I turned my head, my phone fell and broke in half."

What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?
The part that describes how you felt towards Malika at that time, how mad you were inside.

Does the ending wrap up the story?
Yes, it explains true feelings toward Malika and how Malika made her feel.

What is clever and/or lively about the ending? She expresses how she got over that feeling of anger towards Malika.

So-Called Dad {Final Draft}

I always wondered what it felt like to be a daddy's girl. I never experienced such a feeling. My mother played both roles. Don't get me wrong, I have a father. I know him and have talked to him plenty of times. He's what you call a "dead-beat" dad. My dads name is Melvin Downs. He’s a tall, medium-built, chocolate, middle-aged man. He kinda reminds me of Eddie Murphy. I never really liked him because ever since I could remember, he’s never done anything for me or my brothers. No shopping, no games, no food shopping, no money, no nothing. When I was younger, I probably saw my dad every once in a while. He would take me out sometimes. He always rolled up to my house in one of his nice ass cars while we had to catch SEPTA or hike up those loooooong blocks. Sometimes he would make us travel up to his house on foot or by the bus. That wouldn’t have been a problem if he didn’t live about 27 blocks from my house. All that stopped abruptly. The calls stop coming, he stop coming around to check on us every once in a while, and he was never really seen. My father paid more attention to his other families then he did with us. No school functions, graduations, meetings, nothing. He has this wife named Dawn, a short, thick, mouse looking woman with whom he cheated on my mom with. Then he has his mistress, Jessica; a Puerto Rican chick who he's been messing with since he was with my mom back then. Present day, he has two babies with Dawn; my little brother Jared and my little sister Joelle. Jessica has a daughter named Chelsea who everyone thinks is my dads. Anyway, Melvin spends all his time with his two other families while his first family carries on their lives without him. He takes them out to shop, attends their school functions, and spends a lot of quality time with them. I’m not jealous though because personally, I never needed a father in the first place because he can't teach me anything I don't already know. I can get the male perspective of life from other people. I can also get everything I need and want elsewhere. If it wasn't for Melvin, I probably wouldn't be the way I am now. Independent, motivated, and not letting anything get in my way. Especially no man. Thank you Mel for not being there.

Butt-Butt final draft

We found her under a car curled up in a ball. We figured it was a girl we were not sure, but later on, we found out that it was. She was so small and cute. She looked so helpless, so we knew that leaving her there was not an option. Anyway, to make a long story short we ended up having a new member to add to our family.
"Keyannna!, Nieemah! Where is the cat? Somebody help me I have to go to the bathroom. I'm gone pee on myself.” My little sister T.T was terrified of a kitten. I think it is because she jumped at your feet every time you walked past her. "T.T she upstairs. Why are you scared of her? You the main one that wanted to keep her.” T.T replied "You lying she not upstairs.” "Look you betta go to the bathroom or you gone be moppin up mommy floor in a hot second.” T.T hesitated for a minute but she reluctantly began walking from the kitchen to the living room. As she turned to walk up the living room stairs, the small kitten ran from behind the couch and jumped at her feet.
"Ahhhhhhh, move, get away. Keyanna why you lie. I'm tellin mommy.” She quickly ran up the steps to the bathroom and slammed the doors behind her. T.T was afraid of many things but I never thought she would be afraid of a kitten. I did not waste any time running up the stairs to tell everyone how frightened she was of a tiny animal.
I can recall having some of the best times with that cat. Her name was Butt-Butt and everyone loved her. She was gray with black stripes. Her fur was very smooth and soft. She loved when you rubbed the top of her head. She had a black foot and the other white. She had a cute pink nose and very long whiskers. She also had two beautiful green eyes that would haunt you if you looked directly into them at night. She would always sneak in my room at night and try to sleep in my bed. No matter how many times I would put her out my room and shut my door, she would always find a new way to get back in my room. We had her for about two years. We watched her as she grew form a kitten to a full grown cat. As she grew older, she seemed to mature. She no longer scratched up the sides of my mother's couches. She no longer walked across the table and left cat hair everywhere. She no longer jumped in the sink and tried to eat the frozen chicken that my mother would place in the sink to defrost. She was older and wiser.
It seemed so unreal to me when my mother gave her away to the SPCA. I knew she had to go but I did not want her to. Nieemah had a thousand spots all over her body. The doctor told my mom that she had experienced an allergic reaction to something and my mother assumed it was the cat. "They lying they just want to keep her for themselves" this was the only explanation that I could think of for them taking Butt-Butt away. Why didn’t they just take Nieemah instead? That summer everyone changed. We weren't as lively and mischievous as we usually were. They took away one of our closest friends and we will never forget it. Even though she broke many things, got us into a lot of trouble, and cost my mother hundreds of dollars we will never forget her. I love you Butt-Butt and you will forever be missed.