Her Out Of All People (Final Draft)

“This is indeed the remains of Deanna Wright Macintosh”, said the lady on the six o’clock news. She was dead. After a whole month of searching for her, she was dead. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. When I heard the devastating news, my jaw dropped. How could anyone kill her? She was only fifteen years old. She was young, talented, and beautiful. I remember admiring the way she dressed. She would always have the nicest outfit on and she was so coordinated. She had brown medium length hair that always looked so nice. She would come to church every Sunday and on Tuesdays for bible study. She sang on the church choir also. She had such an angelic voice. She always seemed so happy. How could anyone take her life away from her? I couldn’t sleep for nights. I was constantly thinking about what happened to her. I thought about how he raped and strangled her to death. He didn’t stop there. After he killed her, he chopped her body up as if she was a piece of food and put half of it in a big silver tin can and fed the other half to the dogs. I couldn’t get this horrible image out of my head for days. After this incident I didn’t trust anyone. She knew her killer; he worked with her at a pizza store. He looked like he didn't wash up in weeks. he was a twenty-nine year old delivery boy, and she thought she could trust him.This made me realize that no one could be trusted. I began to distance myself from the males in my life. I was scared to travel alone. I was amazed at how strong her mother was. She told me that everything would be okay. I didn’t know how to communicate with her mom because I didn’t want to say anything to make her cry. It was December 31, 2004 when I found out. It turns out that the police found her in an old beat up house that looked like it was about to fall to the ground. It had wood on covering up the windows and graffitti everywhere.The house was only seven blocks away from my house. i rode past this house almost everyday and had no idea that she was in there. At the funeral we couldn’t view the body because it wasn’t there. Instead the casket was filled with the little bit of bones that was left of her. The church, where the funeral was held, was over crowded. People were outside listening in. As tears rolled down my cheeks, like a waterfall, I thought that that could’ve been me. When I got home I looked at the obituary, and read about her accomplishments. She accomplished so much in her short-lived life. She won beauty pageants, was on honor roll, was an aspiring model, and dancer. This made me realize that I need to do more with my life. After seeing all of those people at her funeral, it made me think about how my funeral would be. She had an impact on so many lives, and that’s how I want to be. That night, before I went to bed, I went in my mom’s room and gave her a big hug. I told her that I loved her and I don’t ever want to leave her. But if I were to die today, I want to leave my mark on this earth just like Deanna did.


1)Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.
*The first sentence of her story grabbed my attention because it started with the news being on and talking about a person it made me want to read more because it seemed like an action and it made me interested on what happened to this person and how she made it the news.
2)What is your favorite line from the story? Why?
*"She had an impact on so many lives, and that’s how I want to be. That night, before I went to bed, I went in my mom’s room and gave her a big hug. I told her that I loved her and I don’t ever want to leave her. But if I were to die today, I want to leave my mark on this earth just like Deanna did." Because a lot of people can relate on someones death and then realize how short life is and tell someone they love how they really feel before its too late.
3)Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details.
* I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. When I heard the devastating news, my jaw dropped. How could anyone kill her? She was only fifteen years old. She was young, talented, and beautiful. I remember admiring the way she dressed. She would always have the nicest outfit on and she was so coordinated. She had brown medium length hair that always looked so nice. She would come to church every Sunday and on Tuesdays for bible study. She sang on the church choir also. She had such an angelic voice. She always seemed so happy.
4)What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?
* When she began talking about the man who killed her she could have talked more about him and his description.
5)Does the ending wrap up the story?
*yes
6)What is clever and/or lively about the ending?
*What was clever and lively about the end was that everyone could really relate to it and things like this happen when you realize how short life is.