SYREE PEN FINAL DRAFT

BANG!! Glass shatters and a loud ringing hit my ear. Immediately my taffy dropped straight to the floor of the car. I was pulled out of the back seat and carried out by my aunt while being shielded from life taking bullets. I was about 4 or 5 when my uncle passed, and even now that I am 17, I still don’t understand why my uncle died the way he did. Even though I was pretty young and the incident happened pretty fast, I still remember every detail like it was yesterday. That morning I was so excited to go to my uncle’s house so that he can watch me while my parents go to court for my sister’s hearing. Me and my uncle were like the best of friends. He taught me everything that I carry with me today. When I got dropped off I had seen my uncle and my two older cousins standing outside arguing with 4 other men. When my uncle seen me, he walked up to me and picked me up and took me in the house. I guess the argument was over. The whole day me, my cousins, and my uncle sat and watched TV. It might seem boring but just chilling with my uncle was cool enough. While I was eating a chocolate sundae covered with sprinkles, hot fudge and top off with whip cream that my uncle made for me, an enormous pit bull came from the basement. I started to cry when it walked towards me. My uncle gave me a slight slap to the back of my head and told me stop crying. He told me never to fear anyone or anything. The hot summer day went by pretty fast and it was time for me to go home. I wished I could have stayed over. My uncle got me ready and put me in the back seat of his all black 96 Buick Regal. He gave me cherry flavored taffy so I can get my mind off leaving. He got in the car and started the engine. He turned around and said to me “You all set young boul?” I just looked at him and shook my head yea. He was about to put the car into drive when another all black car pulled up and let off uncountable shots into the driver seat where my uncle was sitting in. The car screeched off while my cousins ran out of the house busting out shots from their shiny toys that I thought was water guns. All I heard was screams and yelling. The ambulance came racing down the block 15 minutes later. Neighbors stood around in confusion trying to wonder why a young boy was crying and screaming. By the time the paramedics stepped out I knew my uncle was gone. My uncle died that afternoon after 10 bullets struck the side of his body, 6 of those bullets went to his head. My uncle was one of the realest and most down to earth person I knew. The 4 men responsible were put into prison all except two which was found murdered on the floor of their basement. There really isn’t a day that I don’t wish my uncle was here to see me in my senior year but I know he’s up there somewhere. I will never forget the goods time we shared and cant wait until the time I am reunited with my uncle.
1) Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.The opening immediately puts the reader into an action-like atmosphere.2)What is your favorite line from the story? Why?"The car screeched off while my cousins ran out of the house busting out shots from their shiny toys that I thought was water guns." It keeps the reader in a child's perspective.3)Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details."While I was eating a chocolate sundae covered with sprinkles, hot fudge and top off with whip cream that my uncle made for me, an enormous pit bull came from the basement."4)What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?Um, details pretty good throughout. You could go into the mood of the block and how everyone reacted(if they did), and you could also go into the details of certain characters clothing.5)Does the ending wrap up the story?Yes, if you add something you could say if you think the six men got what they deserved.6)What is clever and/or lively about the ending?It goes into the present and future and ends with an optimistic tone.